Brokenness..

The medical definition for pain is the physical feeling caused by disease, injury, or something that hurts the body. Mental or emotional suffering.  Brokenness is defined as forcibly separated into two or more pieces. When I think of my grief and my heartbreak, I can become so overwhelmed that it is challenging to get out of bed.  I have to focus on the work it takes to grieve purposely.  I have to intently focus on the fragments. There is sadness, grief, anger, and this luring traumatic imprint that shows itself.  I’m left to gather up these pieces. Most days I’m successful in the maneuvering around the triggers, and many days where I fall to my knees asking God for help….The memories for the most part of wonderful, but there are also memories that leave me immobile. I remember finding Eliyah in his bed early that morning unresponsive.  I remember the 911 call, I still see the horror on my daughters face as she entered his room, I have the memory of seeing my dad hold onto my fireplace mantle for support and shed tears ( at that time I’d only seen my dad cry three times in my life). It’s been six years and these memories are still here. I’m unable to forget. I still see his face three hours before leaving my room saying I love you with that big smile. I’m happy that I still have that memory, and many others that make me smile.

  I read somewhere recently that the wound is the place where the light enters you.  My life was severly interrupted. My daily life patterns were shattered. Profound changes were inevitable. Death interrupts, it causes pain, it brings brokenness to the forefront. It delivers wounds so deep that most won’t even talk about it. But as much as we hate it, we will all experience it. It’s unavoidable. Grief is pain. Grief expresses our connection with our loved one that’s gone and in and of itself it is an expression of love. Bottom line is once you have experienced the darkness, you appreciate the things that shine.

The passing of Eliyah has changed me forever. In two days it will mark him leaving this earth six years ago. I feel it just as much today as I did the moment the paramedics pronounced him gone.  My heart was shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. However, it has made me stronger. More resilient. I have courage that I didn’t possess before. I love differently, I share differently. I give more than I did before.  It pushed me to set realistic goals, changed how I communicate with others. I am more transparent, I have developed better coping skills through hardships.  Yes, grief has changed me.

In my being broken, I drew closer to God. I had to go on. Trusting in his grace. Holding on to his faithfulness.  He told me in Psalm 139 that I could trust him even in times of grief.  This was going to require a spiritual healing.

When I think of a broken bone I know that it takes time to heal. It is also a process that involves much. Its usual cause is that there’s has been some excessive force applied and the break or shatter occurs. It causes much pain. It also varies at the duration of the healing.   This all correlates to grief. It can’t be rushed. It can also be gruesome, and ugly. It is a process that like the healing of bones will vary in time from person to person. Grief has challenged me to invest differently with my time, and gave me light as to what really matters and what doesn’t.

I’m grateful that pain, being broken, and grief has an end. Just like our bodies, it is temporary. Have you heard the saying ” This too shall pass”? It’s true. There is peace on the other side of pain.  We can rest in Jesus, and disengage from the busyness of the world.  Healing takes patience and time.  There is joy in the mourning. God will give you peace for your pieces.

Think about what areas in your life that has forever changed you. Has God reminded you that there can be peace in the midst?