The thing about grief is that what is true always changes. My life since Eliyah’s passing hasn’t become easier, it’s become more complex. I set on a search for balance, which included setting some much needed boundaries. Friends, family have this idea of how you should be. It’s their perception of how you should grieve. For example, ” You’re too happy today, shouldn’t you be more sad? ” Or “you sure are sad don’t forget to smile it’s been almost ( insert time here).” People unintentionally will fault you or bring guilt because they perceive it should look a certain way. I was and am determined to not fall into that trap. Grief looks different for me than it does for anyone else. Grief is unique. I had to talk to the Lord about this often. Smiling…. I felt how can I do this when he is not here to enjoy? I felt I was betraying Eliyah who was not here. Sadness… does Eliyah really want me to be so sad? I searched for moments yes moments of enjoyment. I wasn’t going crazy, I was grieving. There are so many layers to grief. I experienced people saying extremely insensitive things to me. It’s like did that really come out of your mouth??? You can’t wrap your mind around it. But what matters the most is not what is said to me or about me but my response. What is my reaction? What are my thoughts towards this person? They don’t understand my pain, or maybe they are trying to avoid their own pain, They speak without thinking etc. Whatever the reason may be has nothing to do with me. What was helpful to me was not to respond. Yep, keep my mouth shut and when necessary remove and isolate myself from the source. You think, am I not going through enough without the extra nonsense of people?? yet God was reminding me that even in grief he will get the glory. I had to forgive…Cry out to God to help me because this is hard.. Job said ” I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all. (Job 16:1-2). Can you even imagine?? How frustrating it was to listen sometimes. I had to in my anger and sometimes confusion forgive. I could not allow bitterness to take root in my heart towards these individuals. Did I get mad? Yep…. I sure did. I could not believe that people I knew would behave in that manner or from a different perspective those that vanished, disappeared, went ghost, that simply could not handle or face our loss did that…. I though they would be near to my family and instead they were not. Again dealing with the many layers of grief. Recently, I sat with a young woman who recently lost her teenage son. Part of our conversation, she told me she visits the cemetery every day. I said to her you must do what gives you peace. She said her sister asks her “Why do you go there, he’s not there!” She said she knows but it’s something she has to do for now for herself.. I told her if going to the cemetery for the last month since his passing brings you healing, then that’s what you do. You can not be pressured into grieving how your sister feels or wants you to, or anyone else for that matter. I said people mean well for the most part, but going to his gravesite helps you and that is all that matters. Well meaning, well-intentioned people, has caused me to pray more. They do not understand my pain, and nor should I expect them too. My expectations have to stay in check and I have to focus on what is crucial and beneficial to my healing. Having and keeping my boundaries. It always points back to the Lord. I was reminded a couple of days ago that God’s Sovereignty is over my situation. He is in absolute total control which means I can trust and lean on him through my pain. I hope and pray that you can do this as well.
Good morning. Have you ever called someone to come and fix something in your home? Or maybe took your car to the mechanic to have something fixed? Maybe your like so many I know including myself that can fix stuff around the house, and with channels on you tube you can just do it yourself. There is a cartoon called Bob the builder. His motto is “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” I work in television and film and on a sitcom all the problems are solved in 30 minutes right? It’s quick. As a mother I have fixed many of things. I’ve hemmed pants, sewn buttons on, solved problems around the house, super glue at times has been my best friend. I have fixed “boo-boo’s” with band aids, I’ve even as some say fixed dinner.(laugh) Yet, on Jan. 19, 2013 as my son laid lifeless his bed, I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t change what had already happened. I couldn’t reverse this. I wasn’t able to sit him on my lap and tell him everything will be ok. I couldn’t fix this tragic, terrible, thing. I was no longer the fixer….. I could not wipe the tears away with a tissue and make this ok. No amount of super glue, crazy glue, gorilla glue, tape, band-aids, nails, putty, or any other adhesive was going to hold my heart from the billions of pieces it had broken into. Honestly, I’ve never felt such pain in my life. Several times after his funeral I found myself at the Dr.’s office and the emergency room once because of the physical chest pain I had. I thought I was having a heart attack or something. The tests results came back each time as negative, EKG was nice and normal. The doctors could not fix my broken heart. There was a pain there that could not be detected with machines. It could not be detected or helped with medication to make it feel better or go away. As a child, I used to hear the term “Jesus will fix it” someone even made it into a song. When you are facing a monumental challenge what does that mean? What does Jesus will fix it really mean? I needed real answers. I could not focus on my hurt or my problem in order to get these answers. I had to rely on my faith. I could not leave my faith behind. I had to trust that God would show up. I was suffering, in pain, and needed help. What I had to understand was that even the most damaged, broken, unimaginable situation that I or anyone else could go through including the death of a child was not to hard for Jesus to heal. Who is God in character? He is for me and this is the truth. So it means that with my sorrow and pain I can’t be the center, he must be. Eliyah’s death had to be looked at from a different set of eyes. Yes my heart was bleeding out, but I know that God is persistently consistent and apart from him I could fix nothing!!! This is how my healing would be. This wasn’t going to be a neat little pretty package that all works out just fine and dandy, and end in a fairytale happily ever-after. In this “fixing” of it all would require me to know that my faith must continue to render that God is always Good. Always. This wasn’t going to be a sitcom fix as mentioned above. It was going to be a lifelong journey. A journey of remembering who God is through my faith, knowing that he cares for me. I didn’t have to be a fixer any more. I can quiet the sound of the hurt and let hope and faith resonate the loudest. His power alone can handle and manage it all.. What a healing to my hurt to know this. Love Always Wins!!
Throughout the Bible God has taken broken people and raised them to a higher place to illustrate his power, his love, his grace, and his mercy. We do not know the level of our faith until it is tested. We must believe and trust that God will deliver you from your current circumstance. And with the understanding that he will deliver you on his time not yours. Peace will come. I will say it again, Peace will come!!! Let go of your circumstances and let God address it. Your responsibility is to keep the faith, stay positive, work towards achieving your goals, and be an example for others. Amen.
I have a hope….
I pray each day that your sorrows lighten. The Lord is your strength. I knew that when Eliyah passed there would be new journey ahead of us that we would have to endure. I didn’t want it nor did I ask for it but here it was. I could not change it… I couldn’t close my eyes, click my heels and wake up and he’d be back. I wanted to even bargain with God.. Change this outcome for my peace I cried out!! I wrestled with him, I told God that I thought you loved me…well this doesn’t feel like love… Love shouldn’t hurt I thought. You allowed me to be crushed and I don’t know if I can trust what you say!! I said all of this in my hurt. I will tell you that I was in awe that God gave me so much strength and compassion for others in the midst of those first few weeks. My faith in God, probably just a tiny bit bigger at the time than a mustard seed demanded that I have hope. It demanded that I not lean to what I understood because I didn’t know why. I didn’t have any answers. I knew that this, Eliyah’s absence felt unbearable. My spirit did what my flesh wanted to fight. I was able to smile because deep down I knew God did love me. I kept hearing it….Elizabeth, you’re so strong, you’re so composed, you’re so inspirational, you’re so this and that…..I “felt” like none of that. I was this woman/mother who felt like she has just been stepped on and was struggling to regain focus. I felt insane, helpless, invisible, and very other feeling inside. These were my feelings. I believed in the power of God. I knew that if I let go I would have crumbled. I thought that only the dark clouds of despair were visible. So, I kept my eyes on him. I kept focused on him. I clutched only to him. I only wanted to see his Glory because my heart, my spirit knew that it was the key to my survival. It was imperative so that I may endure. I was brought to the edge of hopelessness. I want to encourage you that God knows your struggle, and heartaches. There is no hole to deep that Gods love can’t reach. Endure, fight, and don’t lose hope!!!! Words alone can’t heal so I/we/ will go to the rock that’s higher than us!!! Amen!!!!