July 4, 1996. Eliyah J. Linell was born. January 19, 2013 Eliyah passed away. 16 years on this earth he lived a wonderful life. I am blessed, and honored that God chose me to be his mother. Yes, God chose me. Through the easy pregnancy and even easier birth Eliyah was peace. God’s plan was that he would be born on this particular holiday although his “due” date was July 7th. I never thought that in God’s plan that would include him leaving this earth before me at such an early age.
Have you ever heard the phrase “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?” I started hearing people say that from an early age. I don’t think it has anything to do with God actually laughing at you, rather God thinking ok, you can plan that if you want but my plan for your life will go as follows: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. Although this scripture is used often to comfort, it is not a security blanket like Linus carries around with him. If it’s looked at in that way one is led to believe that sufferings are not meant for them and prosperity will rule forever. No, it is to know that we have a confidence and hope that God will be there to help in the midst of our suffering.
I think about those in the Bible who had plans. I’m sure many did not grow up thinking they would be great men and women of God. Look at the life of Job and what he and his wife endured. I don’t think he knew what was to happen in his life. That God would use him in that way. I also did not know that God would use me in this way too. I did not know on Jan. 19th Eliyah would take his last breath here on earth. Our plans were to go to Disneyland that day.
What I can be confident in is that God knows what he is doing. He knows how to plan my life better than I ever could. No, Eliyah’s death wasn’t even a thought in my plan for my life nor his. I saw him growing up, graduating form high school, going to college getting his dream job and starting a family. I struggled to know that he would never get to do any of it. I prayed and asked God was this part of your plan? Is this your will for our lives? Is there any way to reverse or change what has happened? Do you love me?
It is difficult to imagine anyone loving Eliyah more than I do, but God does. He understands the depth of my love for him. He still watches over every single detail of my life. What is important to me, is important to him. All of this is true, yet I still grieve, I still mourn. I ignore those that say move on because it’s been X amount of time. I use the date of Eliyah’s passing as a grid to pass everything across.
I don’t have the luxury of planning out God’s plans. Some would get into the debate of was it his plan for him to die so soon? What is God’s role in suffering? Why did he allow this to happen? All questions of deep and painful complexity. I know that I must engage in the realities of human life. In all its grace, and grief. The love of God still shines in my life. No matter what, God does have a plan, and it is always good. Faith in his plan isn’t believing that what I want goes. Knowing that he is Sovereign and loves me and draws us to fulfill his plan for our lives no matter what.
So, no I nor you get to plan God’s plan. We are not in charge. Do you find yourself asking God why? when things are good, and you just sit back and enjoy, and then only ask him why when bad things happen? This is what I will end with. God’s plan for your life will never ever outstrip the grace he makes available to help us and enable us to live well. There is no promises of escape of struggles, sorrow, or pain. Jesus himself said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ” (John 16:33)
The medical definition for pain is the physical feeling caused by disease, injury, or something that hurts the body. Mental or emotional suffering. Brokenness is defined as forcibly separated into two or more pieces. When I think of my grief and my heartbreak, I can become so overwhelmed that it is challenging to get out of bed. I have to focus on the work it takes to grieve purposely. I have to intently focus on the fragments. There is sadness, grief, anger, and this luring traumatic imprint that shows itself. I’m left to gather up these pieces. Most days I’m successful in the maneuvering around the triggers, and many days where I fall to my knees asking God for help….The memories for the most part of wonderful, but there are also memories that leave me immobile. I remember finding Eliyah in his bed early that morning unresponsive. I remember the 911 call, I still see the horror on my daughters face as she entered his room, I have the memory of seeing my dad hold onto my fireplace mantle for support and shed tears ( at that time I’d only seen my dad cry three times in my life). It’s been six years and these memories are still here. I’m unable to forget. I still see his face three hours before leaving my room saying I love you with that big smile. I’m happy that I still have that memory, and many others that make me smile.
I read somewhere recently that the wound is the place where the light enters you. My life was severly interrupted. My daily life patterns were shattered. Profound changes were inevitable. Death interrupts, it causes pain, it brings brokenness to the forefront. It delivers wounds so deep that most won’t even talk about it. But as much as we hate it, we will all experience it. It’s unavoidable. Grief is pain. Grief expresses our connection with our loved one that’s gone and in and of itself it is an expression of love. Bottom line is once you have experienced the darkness, you appreciate the things that shine.
The passing of Eliyah has changed me forever. In two days it will mark him leaving this earth six years ago. I feel it just as much today as I did the moment the paramedics pronounced him gone. My heart was shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. However, it has made me stronger. More resilient. I have courage that I didn’t possess before. I love differently, I share differently. I give more than I did before. It pushed me to set realistic goals, changed how I communicate with others. I am more transparent, I have developed better coping skills through hardships. Yes, grief has changed me.
In my being broken, I drew closer to God. I had to go on. Trusting in his grace. Holding on to his faithfulness. He told me in Psalm 139 that I could trust him even in times of grief. This was going to require a spiritual healing.
When I think of a broken bone I know that it takes time to heal. It is also a process that involves much. Its usual cause is that there’s has been some excessive force applied and the break or shatter occurs. It causes much pain. It also varies at the duration of the healing. This all correlates to grief. It can’t be rushed. It can also be gruesome, and ugly. It is a process that like the healing of bones will vary in time from person to person. Grief has challenged me to invest differently with my time, and gave me light as to what really matters and what doesn’t.
I’m grateful that pain, being broken, and grief has an end. Just like our bodies, it is temporary. Have you heard the saying ” This too shall pass”? It’s true. There is peace on the other side of pain. We can rest in Jesus, and disengage from the busyness of the world. Healing takes patience and time. There is joy in the mourning. God will give you peace for your pieces.
Think about what areas in your life that has forever changed you. Has God reminded you that there can be peace in the midst?
2018 is ending and 2019 is beginning. A new year is upon us and for some around the world it has already entered. I’ve seen social media posts where many say, ” I’m stepping into the new year like, or I’m flying into the new year like, Or this is me in the new year” with pictures an memes to match. What are people thinking when they do this? Is a new year really a new slate wiped clean, or is it just another day after another day with a different date? Well, it means different things to different people. For many the end of the year is reflection to what was accomplished, what resolutions were completed, and perhaps what goals were made. For others it’s a reflection to what maybe was lost, a recap on failures and what goals you did not meet. Growing up I know people who fast for a new and better self in January. Nothing wrong with that. If it will make you better and bring you closer to God then so be it. But I encourage you to do what God leads you to do.
I don’t make Resolutions. Rather I pray and write down my goals that I’d like to accomplish. I’ve had people say to me ” This will be the best year yet!” I ask how do you know? It could be my worst year yet. I sound like a Debbie Downer right? well, it’s really according to your faith. What I hope is that every year will be better than the year before. but sometimes very painful things happen to us. My faith still says it is well. It may not look like this is the best year, and may definitely not feel like it but it is well. Since Eliyah’s passing I value words more with intent. So what do I say for 2019? It will be whatever God’s will is for me. I know that I have many prayers, plans, goals, desires, will they all be fulfilled in this upcoming year? Well, I dont know. My faith says blessing will continue. I hold on to what is true. God is not absent in my sorrow. God loves me, and his word is true.
Next year, and every year to come tell yourself that you will apply an antidote to what ever you face. Have a hope. Stretch your faith. This year 2018 is ending ready or not. Be inspired, look for nuggets of joy, gather up and be motivated. A small step is still a step. Tell me what you think? What do you say or do in the New year?
Onward!!!!! Happy New Year to you!
Everyday is a day of gratitude. In times of grief I ask what are you thankful for? What do you think about and say “although my heart is shattered, I’m thankful for…….? When Eliyah passed I heard many people say well at least you have.. at least it’s not.. at least..blah, blah, blah. I hate that phrase at least. It gives such a meaning of grrrrr. Grief means feel what you feel and don’t let anyone tell you “at least” he’s with Jesus “at least” you have other kids ” at least”you had such and such years — you have the right to grieve to the most even though the culture says at least –
Healing is a life long journey. The main thing I learned in holidays is listen to your self. If you don’t want to be around a lot of people don’t, if you don’t want to shop don’t, if you don’t want to cook don’t . If you have others who are depending on you ask someone to help carry that load this year cause emotionally and physically you are just not up to it.
I am thankful for Eliyah. He was such a joy here on earth. He was my first-born and only son. I’m grateful that he was loved and loved in return. I’m thankful that he lived his life with very few if any real complaints if any (I really can’t remember a time he complained) I have been blessed. I’m grateful for the friends that checked on my daily, weekly. those that called me, or came over to just sit with me. Those that cried with me and let me share my thoughts. I’m grateful for the family that checked on me, and listened. I’m thankful for Grief share. Grief share helped me tremendously to heal. I’m thankful for various books that encouraged me. I’m thankful for prayers for me, thankful for work that allowed me to escape sometimes when I didn’t want to just sit at home. I’m thankful for my kind neighbors. I’m thankful for my bible study group. I’m thankful for Disneyland. Disneyland has been my families second home and so many magical memories were created there amongst other blessings that occurred there. I’m thankful for other moms sharing their stories of grief with me. I’m thankful for those that spoke truth in love, those that didn’t let me wallow for to long. Those that allowed me to cry unapologetically. I’m thankful for my relationship with Christ. For he is the reason that I can rise out of bed, breathe, walk, live, share my story, he is my reason for it all!! The grief, the pain, life it will all get better, but better will never look like it use to and things will never be how they were . There is no easy way around it no sermon to make it better nothing . Just one step of faith at a time of wrestling and hurting and “sorrow upon sorrow”. Though there is a place in my heart that longs to see Eliyah, I have family and friends here that I love and cherish. Remembering those that have pain during this time. Tears are cleansing, you are loved, joy will come, and pain doesn’t always remain. Life is precious and so is time. There is hope, healing, and beautiful new memories that will be created. Stay in a place of Thankfulness. I’m a witness that it’s possible. If you can please tell me what you are thankful for, I’d love to know 🙂