The Journey Begins……

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Welcome to Eliyah’s Heart, a Mother’s  journey through grief.

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On January 19, 2013 my first born and only son Eliyah Jalaan Linell closed his eyes on earth and woke up in Heaven. He was 16 years old. He passed away from having had a seizure in his sleep.

This blog is a journey of what I have learned in the process of grief. This blog is not a place to argue or spew any negative opinions of what you may disagree with for this is my journey. I will share my stories, thoughts, feelings, advice, and what ever else God gives me.

Eliyah was born on the Fourth of July, and I couldn’t think of a better date to begin. It’s been 5 years of memories, tears, pain, joys and laughter. I love saying that broken crayons still color. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.

                              #Hellomychild

 

 

 

The Offer of Silence

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I was thinking about my son today, and had to shed some tears. I think about him everyday but tears don’t always flow. Interesting enough I cried because of a thought. I saw my youngest brother’s face the day of his service. Up until the service I hadn’t seen him cry. He was in help mode and supported me during that week. As the service ended and we walked outside the Sanctuary I turned left and saw him breaking down. It broke me. And after 11 years it still does. I can never get that image out of my mind. Even before the thought of thatI was watching tv and a young lady was having a baby. I thought about my birth story. Eliyah was my firstborn. My brother was also there for his delivery. He was my lamaze coach. He also named his Email with Eliyah’s name. There was such a bond from the beginning and knowing what he felt in that moment when he finally released at the church hurts to remember. I knew that his pain ran very deep. He sat with me everyday. Not offering pointless words, etc. but just his presence. It was a great comfort to me.

I had lunch with my youngest daughter earlier this week. She was 7 when Eliyah died. She is now 18. We were having a great conversation and somehow it led to me remembering some things that happened during that initial week, the day of the service, and the days following. she started to tell me the things she remembered but said it was in pieces. I suppose I’m happy that she doesn’t remember so much. I wish I could block many things from that time. The talk shifted to my mother. She called me and told me one day “You know, you aren’t the only one who misses him”. I thought uhhh duh I know that, and don’t need you to tell me. I wasn’t even sure why she would say something like that. As I already felt depleted. I explained to my daughter that it was like you have the deepest wound and you’re bleeding out profusely but you have to put bandages on the ones with superficial wounds. Everyone is hurt. But you can’t attend to your wounds because you are helping everyone else with their wounds. Many around don’t know how to help you or once the service is over they disappear. So you are left figuring your new life out alone. I was telling her about the selfishness I experienced from some. Now I’m not talking about my mother. She wanted me to know that she was hurting too and seeing me hurt as well compounded it. But the timing was off. Silence would have been a great idea.

In the bible when Job lost all that he had and his friends came they sat with him. They initially came to be sit with him and comfort him. For 7 days they sat in silence before saying anything. But as soon as they spoke the unhelpful misery ensued. Unsuccessful comfort. Sure their intentions were good but are good intentions enough? I can’t answer as to why bad things happen. I don’t understand the secrets of God’s wisdom. Why God allows what he allows. Job never lost his faith.

I think about that in the midst of suffering, hard times, grief. What is needed is compassion, encouragement, hope, patience while suffering, and sometimes perhaps silence. Weep with others, mourn as they mourn, and exclude any judgement. Words can do little to soothe. What I’ve experienced is that when those that sat with me and just let me be allowed me to feel peace. You hear always that “I don’t know what to say” that’s ok.

Grief is complex in all of its stages for an infinite amount of time. The memories, the thoughts, etc. Sometimes people see you and because you now cry less in public, and you’ve now re-engaged more in society, and they see you experiencing more joy, and laughter, they believe the pain has lessened. When really I’ve learned to survive. Grief resides with joy. I have strong days, and I have days that moves to be too much to carry. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own life. But through it all, I’ve learned that God is the source of my blessing. We must trust God thru the uncertainty, and trust him for what we do not and can not understand thru our circumstances.

Uninvited Change

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Recently I have had friends who have experienced deep loss with a loved one. It always makes me think about those that I have had in my life that is no longer here. Specifically Eliyah. With my youngest daughter approaching her high school graduation in just a few weeks, I can’t help put to reflect on the years that have gone by. She was seven years old when Eliyah died. (By the way I still detest saying those words) I prefer the day Eliyah went to Heaven. Anyway, back to my thoughts. She is now 18 and an adult. Almost ready to embark on this thing called life on her own. I could tell you briefly about that fateful morning. She slept through the chaos of it all. I had to think about the best way to tell her what had happened and to also keep her from coming downstairs because his body was on the floor after the paramedics left. I remember so much from that morning, and yet there is much I want to forget. She went to sleep having a brother to laugh with, and give piggy back rides to waking up to the worst news possible.

I’ve never been afraid of change, and God only knows, I’ve had many changes in my lifetime. No one has a guarantee to an easy life. Accomplishing anything great in life requires significant change that pushes you beyond the comfort zone.. And then there’s the uninvited change, as with the day Eliyah went to Heaven, which brought and still brings from time to time incredible pain. I think of the things I ask for you know like maybe a new kitchen, or maybe redesigning your home.. things of that nature. The invited change. But a sudden departure from this earth is not only uninvited, but it’s also unwelcomed. That’s the way i see it.

I’m still being pushed beyond my “comfort zone” and it brings with it just a bit of anxiety at times. I’m getting older and still have so more to learn, more to do. I do my best not to focus on my disappointments or failures. Nothing is wasted in life. Keep striving and pushing towards success in life. I have some really wonderful people in my life that don’t allow me to sit at the pity train depot, but encourage me, even when I’d rather cry for a looooooooong while instead. And don’t get me wrong, there are proper times for the cleansing cry. But to take a seat and just stay stuck? I do not have that luxury nor time.

What I always must go to is the word of God. One of his wonderful attributes is that in Malachi 3:6 it says, “I am the Lord, I change not. He remains the same. In fact it is us who must change to be more like him. The scripture means I can trust him. It brings great comfort to know this. Listen, I love that this also means that he cannot fail to keep his promises. Change occurs always in many ways in our lives but to know that with all the changes in this life, those that I have experienced and those that will still happen, I can rely on him who remains unchangeable in a world of uninvited change and that I think is pretty awesome.

Words from another..

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It is 11 years today, that Eliyah left the earthly world.. The pain does not end, you, (I) learn to live/maneuver/deal/ignore sometimes/move through it. Grief is still and I suppose will always be a very unwelcomed visitor. So today, I will share instead of some profound words that I just don’t have in me today a letter from one of his teachers. My prayer is that you can be inspired, and know that you just never know who’s life you may impact.

Dear Linell Family:

I did not speak with you last year when we lost Eliyah. I wanted to call your family personally that terrible week, but knew that while my words would be appreciated, they would perhaps be diluted by the myriad of condolences that surely were heaped upon your family by the endless stream of those that loved that remarkable kid. That wasn’t good enough, because Eliyah had made such a profound impression on me and my class. I also feared that I would not be able to keep my composure. So I held off.

When I arrived back to my classroom on Monday, I looked up on the board at the front of my classroom at Eliyah’s picture and thought of the devastating loss to your family, Golden Valley, and the community that his passing brought. I wondered how your family has carried on under such duress and pain. I am quite certain that memories of your son are still your first and last thought of the day–particularly last fourth of July. I realized that while the whole country celebrated, your family would be overcome by his absence once again.

From the first day Eliyah arrived in my classroom, I knew that this big, outgoing, lovable young man would bring even more fun and joy to my classroom than I could possibly produce alone. I knew this because his attitude and demeanor was–from day one–nothing but kindness and smiles and laughter. I don’t believe that he had a cruel bone in his body. Eliyah was an expert at making people feel comfortable. I always got a kick from the way that he would use his charm and good humor to sidetrack my inquiry about his work when I occasionally would catch him off-task. Of course, if he was off task, it meant that he was joking around with one of his fellow chem students, making them smile, too. You MUST be fantastic parents, because in a world where so many kids have lost an understanding of the importance of personal values, thoughtfulness and empathy for others, Eliyah was a gentle, kind-hearted soul that took personal responsibility for his actions, and did so unhesitatingly. That kind of life view only comes from being raised in a close and caring family.

If I could speak to that wonderful kid one more time, I’d tell him how he made an indelible mark in my life. I’d tell him how profoundly sad the end of his life would make us all. I’d tell him that I would miss him and that the world desperately needed more people like him. I’d tell him to finish his homework.

Eliyah’s influence will stay with me, because I cannot help but incorporate his memory into the collection of nearly 20 years worth of my most beloved students, against which I compare all others. I hope that your family remains strong and steadfast, and I hope that with time, the pain dulls and only the joy remains.

With profound appreciation,

Gary S. Rubens

Gary S. Rubens, M.Ed.

Chemistry, Biology &

Earth Science Instructor

Golden Valley High School

July 4th and 10 years Later…..

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January 19, 2013 will always be a date in my mind forever embedded in sadness, anxiety, and hate. I hate that date. I absolutely hate that date. Saying it out-loud gives me peace. That’s all it does. Waking up the morning of and stepping into Eliyah’s room and seeing his lifeless body in the bed can still be a lingering nightmare in my thoughts. Every year it rolls around and every year it still sucks….

The state issues certificates. Both birth certificates and for death. When Eliyah was born, I remember so fondly the birth, the nurses etc. There was an Administrator who came in to give me the paperwork for his birth certificate. You want to make sure you spell the name correctly. It’s such a surreal moment. You have brought a new person into this world. You almost can’t wait until you get the embossed certification that will be used for a lifetime. That day for me was July 4th, 1996. A nationwide holiday. I had an incredibly short labor and I absolutely could not have asked for a better experience.

When I finally received the birth certificate. I was elated. It took a few weeks, but I was over the moon, like this is really here!! He’s official. I mean his presence made him official but now he was officially official. Ha!! I took it and placed it in a safe place until I needed it down the years for school enrollment or something like that.

Now it is 10 years since Eliyah’s passing and what would be his 27th birthday is here. When Eliyah died and all the paperwork needed to be filled out then, I was in a fog. I know that I was asked questions, but who knows what was said? I knew that a death certificate would be issued but I didn’t care. Who wants to see that? What’s special in that? It makes your worst realities come true. That’s it. Sure I needed it to close things out etc. But so??? It’s a very anxious producing piece of paper. It also is now filed in the same place I keep all of my other important documents.

So here we are. 10 years after the passing of Eliyah and 27 years since the amazing day of his birth. It still remains a very difficult day for me. I celebrate and reminisce of the joy of his birth, but it is shadowed by his presence not being physically here. It remains a mental battle. It’s a Holiday, and therefore people are out and about celebrating. I feel as though I too should be celebrating. Having fun, going somewhere fun, going out to dinner, eating cupcakes, you know celebrating. Now of course I still could do all of those things and I have before to celebrate. But I always, always, always feel the missing piece. It brings me back to focus on those that remain here that I love and appreciate. But I would be lying if i said it was comfortable around this time of the year, and especially on the date.

So here it is again. July 4th. I’ve shared previously that I choose to focus on the positive. And nothing about that has changed. It’s what keeps me sane. It’s what keeps my relationship with God alive and real. It fuels my hope. I know that there are some who still watch me.. you know the ” OMG there’s the woman who lost child is she still ok? Is she thriving? Is she a depressive mess of a woman who couldn’t move through life anymore?” I pray that my life inspires someone. That they know God can keep you through the death of a child. I pray that people see him through me. I’m not able to keep it together. It is not me. I would have not made it realistically past the first year of his death.

I carried a heartbeat in me that no longer beats but his spirit is alive and well. I will keep my tissues on standby. I celebrate that God chose me to be his mother. I’m grateful that Eliyah graced this earth with his presence for 16 years. I miss him beyond what man can comprehend. God blessed me beyond measure and as this 4th of July comes and goes.. His love for me remains.

Spring Grief

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My favorite time of the year is Autumn/Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, I love the feel of the air. I enjoy the weather, cool but not cold. Wearing a light jacket, hat, scarf. I love the colors, brown, yellow, orange, It makes me happy somehow. It just feels good. Fall indicates the change.. You literally see the changes. When I was a kid we would rake the leaves, and then fall into the pile. Of course we would then have to re-rake them up. Haha. But that simple time and space brought so much joy. Perhaps that’s when Fall began to resonate with me as my favorite.

For many others I know Spring is their favorite time of the year. It signifies rebirth. winter has ended and the flowers begin to bloom. People begin the act of “Spring cleaning”. Getting rid of the old. The bees are buzzing once again, and the school kids are looking forward to the end of another year. Spring indicates to the bears that have been hibernating to wake up.

I do not care for Spring as many others do. It brings out so many things I do not like. spiders, snakes, flies, etc. Pollen is everywhere you turn. It’s not my cup of tea. I suppose that’s why I can relate this particular season to grief. Many would say winter because of the barrenness. But the sadness and dislike for me is wrapped up in spring.

When Eliyah died it was Winter. My father.. Winter. But the beginning of my true grief began in the spring. The shock, and quiet time began in the Spring. It was challenging and uncertain. My feelings were all over the place internally. I suppose you would have to ask those I was around what I looked like externally.

To have grief in the season in which most of the world deems as a time of renewal is also hard. While the sun is shining and flowers are blooming, the hopelessness and despair can be so overwhelming. Guilt can overwhelm, and turn what looks to be beautiful on the outside into misery.

So where is the hope? Where is the beauty for your ashes? Keeping the gratitude in the forefront and remembering that the pain we carry is not the connection . God allows us to embrace joy in the midst of sorrow. We are never as alone as we may feel, and trust me that feeling can be excruciating. I understood that loneliness wasn’t always about being alone, but I missed Eliyah. I had to create space for my grief. I could be surrounded by people at times and internally, it was just me.

So as Spring has arrived, and Summer to follow. I give myself permission to find enjoyment in it. My father loved gardening. Ever since I was a child he had a garden. This was a nurturing activity which provided food. Again, not my thing but the flowers sure are pretty. Taking pictures of them, or taking a walk to enjoy God’s creation and marvel at what he has made does make me smile. Grief in the Spring can be hard because people are involved in more outdoor activities, whereas in the winter it may be easier to hide. So the pressure to be “present” can be there. Grief does not have an order has the seasons do, and can strike at any time. It’s not predictable.

I am grateful for each season. I have my favorite of course, but still find gratitude in each one. The seed that rises in the spring, is how God shows me he cares. The birds that sing in the Spring, is how God shows me he cares. The trees that stand tall and show off their leaves that made it through maybe a harsh winter is how God shows me he cares. I have a heightened awareness of how god reveals himself. I hold on to the hope. I do my best to lean into it for it’s my chance to survive. Yes it’s bittersweet for me because Mother’s Day is in the spring too. That alone can feel like a personal winter. I choose to see the joy in what I may not like or feel comfortable in. God is greater than anything I may face. And so I stare in his heart, so that I may get strength, comfort, and find that hiding place within him.

Learning, and Loving

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Who am I becoming? 8 years have passed now that Eliyah has moved to Heaven. I believe I have become more tender hearted than ever. I was thinking out loud wondering why is this bothering me? Why does this seem something so foreign to me or something that needs to be adjusted? I think it’s because we must always guard our hearts with everything that God gave us. Recently I had to ask what does this really mean? To guard my tender and at times very fragile heart, because out of it flows the well spring of life. In my writings and conversations I can be very vulnerable. I do not want this organ (my heart) to be stepped on. I require joy. Not always happiness but joy. My heart thru this journey has had in my opinion way to many bandages, and far to many leaks. How especially in grief can this be avoided? I don’t think that it can. I think I have tried every avenue to avoid, and even run away from even the possibility, but just like my shadow it’s there. So I concluded that it is avoidable, so I must manage. This heartache,  It can come with any subject.. A romantic loss, a physical loss of someone, disappointment. Let me talk about that disappointment. Hoping and praying for the outcome you want and when it doesn’t happen…Bam!!! it rears it’s ugly head. Especially when you dont see it coming. Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Maybe you’ve prayed for something and the answer God gives is no, or he is silent. Whatever it is, the outcome did not meet the expectations or the desire that you had within.  Maybe you are up for a promotion at your job. you’ve been there a long time, you out shine your co-workers, and the bosses’ nephew comes to town, and bam!! he gives it to him based on being related alone. How do you respond? Do you respond? What if you have been praying for a job all together and week, denial letter after another keeps coming? Bills have red-notes on them, and you are a week shy of losing your apt. or home. How do you respond? I wonder at times what keeps people from utterly breaking? What about when that relationship you thought was the one that would last forever and it fails? You invested time, maybe money, given of yourself and it comes to an abrupt halt, or you find out things about the other person that changes your feelings? How do you handle it? Another thing I realize about myself is that I’m an over thinker.. I over analyze, I allow things to steal my rest because my mind is circling. I tend to run things in my head, you know worst case scenarios, best case scenarios. But it’s so bad because I will think but what if ? Let me say those what if’s will destroy you. They will take you mentally away from it all. You will be so caught up in worry that it’s all to the bad. When a situation pops up and I begin to dream, envision how it will go, smile at the possible outcome etc. I couldn’t be more excited. You know how a balloon has air and it’s flying high and enjoying the view. If it suddenly gets thwarted or doesn’t come into fruition, my silly heart falls, balloon deflates, and I am now overthinking plan B.. The re-adjustment. But how does this happen without big ole crocodile tears? or worse anger!? I then take a pause, deep breaths, and start to replay it all. Am I at fault? Does God still care? will it get better sooner or later? What does my readjustment look like? who else if anyone is involved?  Can I even listen to the small still voice in my head that says “One day this too shall pass”? Do I even care to listen to any encouraging voices around me? are they around? It’s thee hardest emotions for me. Will there ever be justice? Did I set myself up for failure? Did I have expectations and should not have? But how the hell do you not have expectations? Maybe they were too high…. Maybe they weren’t high enough. Even in grief I never want to be the victim. Watching others experience loss knowing what the road up ahead will bring makes me sad. My empathy has grown. Learning and loving through it all. I keep going, I keep moving forward, I keep praying, I keep dreaming, I keep Heaven in my view. This journey has not become easier. I am still navigating life the best that I can. God gives me strength beyond what I thought I could receive or even have. I press forward everyday. When my heart needs a rest, I do my best to give it that and recharge, re-focus and begin again.

I’m Sorry….

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I could not possibly remember or count the many times I’ve heard this. Sometimes if I’m being transparent it feels so empty and quite overused. But what else do you say when a loved one has passed? We all want to encourage, or be encouraged and feel some ounce of betterment. We feel the immense sorrow when someone we’ve lost dies. What should we reply when someone says “I’m sorry”? do we just say it’s ok? or nothing at all? After all it is an expression of sympathy. We offer our compassion and concern. We are showing that we care. But what if we changed the script.? What if we expressed our concern by saying My deepest sympathy, or I’m sending you love, prayers, comfort during this time…I’m thinking of you, and I’m here. We struggle to find the right words. Everyone’s journey through grief is so unique. It’s ok to be short and simple. It’s so hard to see our loved ones suffering, and in the grips of a loss. I’m sorry is not wrong. It just simply doesn’t cover what are brutal emotions give us. Good intentions can make “robotic statements” seem less authentic. My hope in this is that we allow ourselves to respond better if you will to offer genuine support.

Unknown

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The death of a loved one is so abrasively shocking to your system. The loss of my son Eliyah has been a journey that even when I close my eyes, if I choose and sometimes when I don’t I am catapulted immediately to the day he died.

Death brings unknowns. You ask the why’s… they seem to go on and on. Even if you had an answer, The question of why would still rear itself to your mind in some fashion. What if it’s unknown? What if there is no tangible reason? What if you had to just accept what has happened and begin the brutal task of healing. Yes healing is brutal. It takes time, it’s painful, it leaves scars to remind you of what happened. Sometimes healing is not what we think it should look like. Sometimes how you picture it, the exact opposite is what you are faced with, and now you must adapt accordingly.

Eliyah’s cause of death was SUDEP. Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy. I will focus on the second word. Unexplained. It means it is not accounted for, there is no identifiable cause. It is Unknown. How unnerving right? If you are someone who needs answers it is a mental drive to the crazy house because there is not an answer. I like satisfaction. I want to know reasons, and sometimes my overthinking mind needs a reason for the reason. And yet here I was dealing with a death that had no reason behind it. And furthermore why my child?

Sometimes it’s fear of the unknown that makes our minds scream. What if? What about? etc. This year specifically has challenged many of us to the core for several different reasons. A world pandemic. So many unknowns involved about how we should move forward to stay healthy. Many of you lost a loved one this year, or a job, I have a friend who lost her beautiful home in a fire. Where do you start? Where do you go from here? So many unknowns.

When my mother was sick, my dad used to tell her take one thing at a time. Slow down, don’t try to do it all at once. Sometimes we must acknowledge that steps must be taken. For example if you want to bake a cake, You follow certain steps first. You don’t just throw all in the oven. Certain ingredients must be mixed. Gotta follow the steps 1 thing at a time. Healing of a loved one especially is a process. You don’t heal all at once. I wish it was that easy. A simple process.

Grief is an unknown. It carries with it many, many facets. It carries with it no timeline, no proper way of “grieving right” no such thing, it scares people away, yet can also make people want to draw closer to you to help you through. It affects one person in one way, and to another a different way. No rhyme or reason. It’s complicated. It has stages. the stages are not in any specific order and can last a lifetime of not. Unknown.

So how do we handle the unknown? Do we know? Is there a playbook out there with the plays? An answer key in the back of a book? Is there a guru high upon a mountain who has all the answers? I chose, yes chose to rely on faith. The bible says in Hebrews 11:1 That faith is the hope or the confidence in what we hope for and assurance/evidence about what we do not see. It means to believe completely even when there is no evidence to support. It is my foundation for my relationship with God. The very start of what matters on a spiritual side. It is my confidence that later becomes fully operational to believe his promises. It’s unseen but exists beneath what is visible.

This is what carries me. It fuels me, Drives my reasoning for how I move in life. Utilizing faith while in the unknown has allowed me to put one foot forward at a time. It is the constant abiding trust in what I can’t see. It’s like the unseen foundation of a building. You can’t see it but you know if it’s not there the building would collapse. It’s knowing it will work when it’s not apparent to my senses. It must be applied to all of life challenges. I encourage you to face the unknown head on with faith in front of you. It will make a difference in your life.

Visibility of my Soul

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Today can’t stop. It’s like being on a never ending carousel. You get on and the ride goes up and down, round and round. The attendant has left and you have no choice but to continue. There are 365 days of the year, (or add one more for Leap year). I have had times where I have cringed certain days. Days that I just want to skip right over. July 4th is now a bittersweet day for me. I’m on that carousel. Horse up is the wonderful memories he brings me. The utter joy I have of the happier days in my life. I can still see his face and hear his voice the night I last saw him. Those are the “horse highs” on the ride. The “Horse lows” is him not being here to celebrate with me. I have the horrible complex catch 22. I’m taken back to the my pregnancy and the day he was born to wanting to hug him, see him, hear him…. Oh man, The elation of that day. My first baby, The anticipation of holding my son. Him being a holiday baby to the now remembering that he’s not here, but now resides in Heaven. The constant round and round makes me dizzy. Up, down, up, down, round and round… And someone please turn off that creepy music.. It’s supposed to remind you of happy childhood days, but I’d rather hear a classic R&B jam from the 90’s. Today is a tricky day…

This is what I see now.. July 4, 1996 – January 19, 2013. 16 years of life. And every year is the same now, I add another year. He would be 24. Every year I ask the same questions according to that age..This time it’s What would he be doing now? Working? Still in college? Would he have a girlfriend? What would he look like? Yep, I wonder about it all, and it’s never going to stop….Those wonderings will continue for the rest of my natural life. And it’s ok. I’m not sharing because it’s a problem, it’s my reality.

Are there birthdays in Heaven? Is there any recognition? I’d like to imagine that there are for just a moment. I close my eyes and envision not birthday cakes, not party favors, but music and dancing. I see our loved ones looking at us and saying a prayer that we will be ok as we remember them on the day they were born. My dad told me about a dream he had of Eliyah. He saw him sitting on a very bright street corner playing his trumpet. He said he had a look on his face that embodied more happiness than he had ever seen. My father then went on to say that his look gave him peace that Eliyah was doing just fine. I can’t help but have the same vision. Eliyah left this earth 7 years ago and I have yet to have a dream about him, or talk to him in a dream. But I could see him thru the lens of my father’s dream. However on his birthday I picture him celebrating with Jesus. Playing his trumpet for him. I talk to him always and today I would ask of him to remind Jesus of my prayer to make this day less heavy for me. To shine on me in a very special way because my heart hurts….

I have/had a video of Eliyah playing happy birthday on his trumpet to me. I say have/had because thru much searching I still can’t find it. I can see what he had on, where he stood, and his big smile of joy afterwards, when I remember it. But I still can’t find it. It bothers me.. It was so personal. And because he’s not here I grieve it’s whereabouts… Had to bring it up because it’s in my thoughts, but I’m not going to dwell on it any further today.

I write and share with the heart of transparency. I want people to know that broken crayons still color. That it is ok to share the broken pieces, the broken moments, the broken dreams gone unfulfilled. This is an unthinkable journey, yet here I am. By the grace of God I can share with all of you. My heart is to encourage, uplift, and to inspire. Happy birthday Eliyah. You’ve inspired me, and through your life gave me purpose to pursue a life worth living. Thank you Eliyah for I know even now there is value in each and every struggle and pain. Your life pushes me forward to manage said pain and to complete what God has called me to do!! I love you forever my son.

Tears in the back

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I haven’t written or shared anything here since the beginning of the year. My father Wayne Wilson passed away suddenly at the end of January, and being a daddy’s girl, it did a number on me…… Thinking about it now it’s probably been 6 months. I kept saying to myself I need to write in my blog. I’d say c’mon girl aren’t you thinking about writing? Sure.. I thought about sharing..But it just didn’t feel possible. I think and have thoughts about much this year. We are still in a pandemic of sorts. Many have lost love ones this year, and would probably conclude that this is the worst year ever in their lives, and for different reasons. I write this blog in an effort to help with my own personal healing in my journey, but to also encourage others who have experienced the loss of a child. Some have reached out to me saying that this blog has helped them through other losses, and to that I say to God be the glory.

Grief is not about survival. It is about living each day well through hurt, pain, loss, fear of future, etc. My heart has been overwhelmed lately watching the news in part and seeing what is happening across our nation, and our world. I think about those that have experienced new loss, and the indescribable pain they now feel.

Yesterday, I visited the cemetery where my son Eliyah is buried. It’s not something that I do often, or make a habit of but I felt the need to get out of the house and go somewhere where I could cry, pray, and not be bothered. When I got out the car and walked to his grave my body just fell into a sit down position and I just weeped. I weeped for the son that I miss so much, my father who’s loss to me is still very raw, I just sat there and cried. I just cried because I had the feeling of being on the “backburner” on the stove. Through this time I’ve had to console others. When my daughters were younger and even now of course I have to lay aside my hurt to help them. One of my girlfriends always reminds me that I am of no help to anyone if I am not cared for. Airlines always tell you to put the mask on yourself first, and then proceed to help someone else. Who will care for the person that must care for everyone else? Who provides love to the one that feels depleted? I sat on the grass. I never sit on the grass anywhere because within about 5-10 minutes I’m super itchy. Hahaha. I even had a little blanket in my trunk but I was too weak to move so I just sat there. I dont know how long I was there. Maybe 30 minutes, but I needed to talk my thoughts out loud. I needed to pray, I needed to read, and re-read Eliyah’s marker over and over.. I could feel the tears in the back. What do I mean by this? Well, when you are cooking a large meal, maybe for Thanksgiving or a celebration. Most stoves have 4 burners on top. The burners in the front get priority use for what is needed quickly or what is needed or being tended to first. The burners in the back are used for maybe warming something up, or you have already cooked the dish, so you put it back there to get out of the way. It’s important however that these burners are not left alone or forgotten about because of their placement. This is what parenting, or moving through these times feels like for me. Like I’m crying in the back somewhere unattended. It’s a catch 22. God gives you strength, and people see that and make assumptions that you are A ok. You help your friends, your kids, family members, your neighbors, and even help those who are just going through the first year or first few weeks of grief. They’re looking to you because you made it on the other side, and smiles are there again, and comfort for them is needed and you are the only one who can give it. I understand it completely.

The struggle of staying sane through these difficult days is what the tears in the back are. I know I had to reconcile that time moves on even when you aren’t ready or don’t want to. I know that it is ok to not be ok. I know that broken crayons still color. I want you, me, us to be well. Self care for you is important. Do not neglect what it is that you may need. Do not push or allow yourself to be on the ” back burner” if you need the attention in the front that is condusive to your healing. Tears in the back requires an assessment. I am no good to others when I am a mess. Most times even the people that I’m closest to fail to recognize the distress signals. Or the expectation is that I’ll be good in a day or so. Tears are cleansing and given by God for a purpose. Never loose sight of that. I’ve cried often this year. It’s been a year for the record books. Just keep the tissues on standby…But through this difficult season I know that God will wipe the tears away. He bottles up the tears. Joy will come again, and it will be unspeakable. This is my hope that I cling to…….