Spring Grief

My favorite time of the year is Autumn/Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, I love the feel of the air. I enjoy the weather, cool but not cold. Wearing a light jacket, hat, scarf. I love the colors, brown, yellow, orange, It makes me happy somehow. It just feels good. Fall indicates the change.. You literally see the changes. When I was a kid we would rake the leaves, and then fall into the pile. Of course we would then have to re-rake them up. Haha. But that simple time and space brought so much joy. Perhaps that’s when Fall began to resonate with me as my favorite.

For many others I know Spring is their favorite time of the year. It signifies rebirth. winter has ended and the flowers begin to bloom. People begin the act of “Spring cleaning”. Getting rid of the old. The bees are buzzing once again, and the school kids are looking forward to the end of another year. Spring indicates to the bears that have been hibernating to wake up.

I do not care for Spring as many others do. It brings out so many things I do not like. spiders, snakes, flies, etc. Pollen is everywhere you turn. It’s not my cup of tea. I suppose that’s why I can relate this particular season to grief. Many would say winter because of the barrenness. But the sadness and dislike for me is wrapped up in spring.

When Eliyah died it was Winter. My father.. Winter. But the beginning of my true grief began in the spring. The shock, and quiet time began in the Spring. It was challenging and uncertain. My feelings were all over the place internally. I suppose you would have to ask those I was around what I looked like externally.

To have grief in the season in which most of the world deems as a time of renewal is also hard. While the sun is shining and flowers are blooming, the hopelessness and despair can be so overwhelming. Guilt can overwhelm, and turn what looks to be beautiful on the outside into misery.

So where is the hope? Where is the beauty for your ashes? Keeping the gratitude in the forefront and remembering that the pain we carry is not the connection . God allows us to embrace joy in the midst of sorrow. We are never as alone as we may feel, and trust me that feeling can be excruciating. I understood that loneliness wasn’t always about being alone, but I missed Eliyah. I had to create space for my grief. I could be surrounded by people at times and internally, it was just me.

So as Spring has arrived, and Summer to follow. I give myself permission to find enjoyment in it. My father loved gardening. Ever since I was a child he had a garden. This was a nurturing activity which provided food. Again, not my thing but the flowers sure are pretty. Taking pictures of them, or taking a walk to enjoy God’s creation and marvel at what he has made does make me smile. Grief in the Spring can be hard because people are involved in more outdoor activities, whereas in the winter it may be easier to hide. So the pressure to be “present” can be there. Grief does not have an order has the seasons do, and can strike at any time. It’s not predictable.

I am grateful for each season. I have my favorite of course, but still find gratitude in each one. The seed that rises in the spring, is how God shows me he cares. The birds that sing in the Spring, is how God shows me he cares. The trees that stand tall and show off their leaves that made it through maybe a harsh winter is how God shows me he cares. I have a heightened awareness of how god reveals himself. I hold on to the hope. I do my best to lean into it for it’s my chance to survive. Yes it’s bittersweet for me because Mother’s Day is in the spring too. That alone can feel like a personal winter. I choose to see the joy in what I may not like or feel comfortable in. God is greater than anything I may face. And so I stare in his heart, so that I may get strength, comfort, and find that hiding place within him.