I have a hope….

I pray each day that your sorrows lighten. The Lord is your strength. I knew that when Eliyah passed there would be new journey ahead of us that we would have to endure.  I didn’t want it nor did I ask for it but here it was. I could not change it… I couldn’t close my eyes, click my heels and wake up and he’d be back. I wanted to even bargain with God.. Change this outcome for my peace I cried out!! I wrestled with him, I told God that I thought you loved me…well this doesn’t feel like love… Love shouldn’t hurt I thought. You allowed me to be crushed and I don’t  know if I can trust what you say!! I said all of this in my hurt.  I will tell you that I was in awe that God gave me so much strength and compassion for others in the midst of those first few weeks. My faith in God, probably just a tiny bit bigger at the time than a mustard seed demanded that I have hope.  It demanded that I not lean to what I understood because I didn’t know why. I didn’t have any answers. I knew that this, Eliyah’s absence felt unbearable. My spirit did what my flesh wanted to fight. I was able to smile because deep down I knew God did love me. I kept hearing it….Elizabeth, you’re so strong, you’re so composed, you’re so inspirational, you’re so this and that…..I “felt” like none of that. I was this woman/mother who felt like she has just been stepped on and was struggling to regain focus. I felt insane, helpless, invisible, and very other feeling inside.   These were my feelings.  I believed in the power of God. I knew that if I let go I would have crumbled. I thought that only the dark clouds of despair were visible.  So, I kept my eyes on him. I kept focused on him. I clutched only to him.  I only wanted to see his Glory because my heart, my spirit knew that it was the key to my survival. It was imperative so that I may endure.  I was brought to the edge of hopelessness. I want to encourage you that God knows your struggle, and heartaches. There is no hole to deep that Gods love can’t reach. Endure, fight, and don’t lose hope!!!! Words alone can’t heal so I/we/ will go to the rock that’s higher than us!!! Amen!!!!

A Mother’s Love Never Dies

 

Good morning. A mother’s love never dies. There is a spiritual umbilical cord between a mother and a child that can never be broken as my friend Robin once told me.  Some days my spirit can be so heavy. There are never any expectations when it comes to grief. No particular pattern.  Even on days which seem to be ordinary days, meaning (no holiday’s or anniversaries) my hurt may heart.  I remember walking into Target the first time after Eliyah passed. I felt like everyone in the store was staring at me. I wondered if they knew what has just happened in my life, but of course they didn’t.   I  realized after a while that I was going up and down each aisle not really looking for anything in particular. All I could see or think about were the memories of what he’d say to me when we walked in.      ” You know where I’ll be ” Yep, I said, and he’d be headed to the electronic section of the store.   But not anymore….. I found myself in the cereal section. I saw his favorite cereal, Honey bunches of Oats! I burst into tears. I stood there uncontrollably crying. I thought to myself I hope no one calls management on me. I’m not crazy, I’m sad.  I will be o.k. but not today.  I exited out of that section and realized everywhere I go because of my love for him this may happen. Reminders, smells, voices, even people who may look like him.  You can’t turn back the hands of time, and each day requires that you move one step forward. One step at a time.. Sometimes, when grief has hit I take a step back. but that’s ok. God understands and it will not always feel like it does at that moment.  My prayer for today is for God’s will to be done in my life, and in yours.

 

#Hellomychild

Celebrating holidays, birthdays..while grieving

 

The subject of grief to many can be so complex. As a mother whose child died it is an excruciating, painful experience.  It is something that can’t be masked or sugarcoated.  Eliyah was born on July 4th, 1996. What a fine day to enter the world!! Every year America celebrates this holiday with fun, food, and fireworks. Families plan getaways, vacations, and fantastic events.  For me I celebrated Eliyah’s birth.  It’s been 5 years since his passing. Every year I have done something different. The first year, which for many people is the hardest or most challenging, my husband Kevin and I went to the Ojai Valley Inn for alone time and relaxation.  I remember my mother calling me a few times wanting us to celebrate with the family. I didn’t want to. I needed to be away, and I was not in any mood for fireworks, kids, and people I knew. And so, off to Ojai we went.  I cried a lot. We enjoyed spa time, massages, and I even played my first round of golf. Although it was a beautiful place, and smelled of lavender I actually found it not that easy to relax.  My heart hurt, and massages don’t fix that.

Eliyah passed away on Jan. 19 2013. Before his birthday, there was  Valentine’s Day, Easter…. and Mother’s Day. I scrapbook which means I sort of keep everything lol. Thank God because I keep all the cards my kids have given or made for me.  I went back and read through his Mother’s Day cards to me. I can’t even describe what that felt like. Joy, because I have them, and heartache because there would be no more.  As, the year went on and we got closer to the Christmas holiday I cringed. I didn’t even put up any decor. No tree, wreath, lights, nothing. I had no energy mental or physical to do it. And you know what? It was ok. I had nothing to prove, and I needed to grieve how I needed to grieve.

So, what have I learned in remembering and celebrating the holidays? That no one can tell you how to process your loss. You can’t stop the day (birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Anniversaries, ) from coming. God meets us where we are at, not where we pretend to be, or would like to be. You can survive the Holidays while you are grieving. This year we celebrated the 4th of July at The Disney Resort. It was incredible. We celebrated Eliyah, and enjoyed ourselves.

You will face many emotions.  You are not alone, Eventually you will heal. For me, it was do not live in others expectations for what I needed. Everyone grieves different and that’s ok. There is no handbook for grieving correctly. Honor your loved one how you see fit. Soon, the good days will outweigh the painfully acute days, and you will see evidence of the healing process.

                                                                               #Hellomychild