I was thinking about my son today, and had to shed some tears. I think about him everyday but tears don’t always flow. Interesting enough I cried because of a thought. I saw my youngest brother’s face the day of his service. Up until the service I hadn’t seen him cry. He was in help mode and supported me during that week. As the service ended and we walked outside the Sanctuary I turned left and saw him breaking down. It broke me. And after 11 years it still does. I can never get that image out of my mind. Even before the thought of thatI was watching tv and a young lady was having a baby. I thought about my birth story. Eliyah was my firstborn. My brother was also there for his delivery. He was my lamaze coach. He also named his Email with Eliyah’s name. There was such a bond from the beginning and knowing what he felt in that moment when he finally released at the church hurts to remember. I knew that his pain ran very deep. He sat with me everyday. Not offering pointless words, etc. but just his presence. It was a great comfort to me.
I had lunch with my youngest daughter earlier this week. She was 7 when Eliyah died. She is now 18. We were having a great conversation and somehow it led to me remembering some things that happened during that initial week, the day of the service, and the days following. she started to tell me the things she remembered but said it was in pieces. I suppose I’m happy that she doesn’t remember so much. I wish I could block many things from that time. The talk shifted to my mother. She called me and told me one day “You know, you aren’t the only one who misses him”. I thought uhhh duh I know that, and don’t need you to tell me. I wasn’t even sure why she would say something like that. As I already felt depleted. I explained to my daughter that it was like you have the deepest wound and you’re bleeding out profusely but you have to put bandages on the ones with superficial wounds. Everyone is hurt. But you can’t attend to your wounds because you are helping everyone else with their wounds. Many around don’t know how to help you or once the service is over they disappear. So you are left figuring your new life out alone. I was telling her about the selfishness I experienced from some. Now I’m not talking about my mother. She wanted me to know that she was hurting too and seeing me hurt as well compounded it. But the timing was off. Silence would have been a great idea.
In the bible when Job lost all that he had and his friends came they sat with him. They initially came to be sit with him and comfort him. For 7 days they sat in silence before saying anything. But as soon as they spoke the unhelpful misery ensued. Unsuccessful comfort. Sure their intentions were good but are good intentions enough? I can’t answer as to why bad things happen. I don’t understand the secrets of God’s wisdom. Why God allows what he allows. Job never lost his faith.
I think about that in the midst of suffering, hard times, grief. What is needed is compassion, encouragement, hope, patience while suffering, and sometimes perhaps silence. Weep with others, mourn as they mourn, and exclude any judgement. Words can do little to soothe. What I’ve experienced is that when those that sat with me and just let me be allowed me to feel peace. You hear always that “I don’t know what to say” that’s ok.
Grief is complex in all of its stages for an infinite amount of time. The memories, the thoughts, etc. Sometimes people see you and because you now cry less in public, and you’ve now re-engaged more in society, and they see you experiencing more joy, and laughter, they believe the pain has lessened. When really I’ve learned to survive. Grief resides with joy. I have strong days, and I have days that moves to be too much to carry. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own life. But through it all, I’ve learned that God is the source of my blessing. We must trust God thru the uncertainty, and trust him for what we do not and can not understand thru our circumstances.
Eliyahsheart.com 