Tag: mothers grief

The Offer of Silence

eliyahsheart

I was thinking about my son today, and had to shed some tears. I think about him everyday but tears don’t always flow. Interesting enough I cried because of a thought. I saw my youngest brother’s face the day of his service. Up until the service I hadn’t seen him cry. He was in help mode and supported me during that week. As the service ended and we walked outside the Sanctuary I turned left and saw him breaking down. It broke me. And after 11 years it still does. I can never get that image out of my mind. Even before the thought of thatI was watching tv and a young lady was having a baby. I thought about my birth story. Eliyah was my firstborn. My brother was also there for his delivery. He was my lamaze coach. He also named his Email with Eliyah’s name. There was such a bond from the beginning and knowing what he felt in that moment when he finally released at the church hurts to remember. I knew that his pain ran very deep. He sat with me everyday. Not offering pointless words, etc. but just his presence. It was a great comfort to me.

I had lunch with my youngest daughter earlier this week. She was 7 when Eliyah died. She is now 18. We were having a great conversation and somehow it led to me remembering some things that happened during that initial week, the day of the service, and the days following. she started to tell me the things she remembered but said it was in pieces. I suppose I’m happy that she doesn’t remember so much. I wish I could block many things from that time. The talk shifted to my mother. She called me and told me one day “You know, you aren’t the only one who misses him”. I thought uhhh duh I know that, and don’t need you to tell me. I wasn’t even sure why she would say something like that. As I already felt depleted. I explained to my daughter that it was like you have the deepest wound and you’re bleeding out profusely but you have to put bandages on the ones with superficial wounds. Everyone is hurt. But you can’t attend to your wounds because you are helping everyone else with their wounds. Many around don’t know how to help you or once the service is over they disappear. So you are left figuring your new life out alone. I was telling her about the selfishness I experienced from some. Now I’m not talking about my mother. She wanted me to know that she was hurting too and seeing me hurt as well compounded it. But the timing was off. Silence would have been a great idea.

In the bible when Job lost all that he had and his friends came they sat with him. They initially came to be sit with him and comfort him. For 7 days they sat in silence before saying anything. But as soon as they spoke the unhelpful misery ensued. Unsuccessful comfort. Sure their intentions were good but are good intentions enough? I can’t answer as to why bad things happen. I don’t understand the secrets of God’s wisdom. Why God allows what he allows. Job never lost his faith.

I think about that in the midst of suffering, hard times, grief. What is needed is compassion, encouragement, hope, patience while suffering, and sometimes perhaps silence. Weep with others, mourn as they mourn, and exclude any judgement. Words can do little to soothe. What I’ve experienced is that when those that sat with me and just let me be allowed me to feel peace. You hear always that “I don’t know what to say” that’s ok.

Grief is complex in all of its stages for an infinite amount of time. The memories, the thoughts, etc. Sometimes people see you and because you now cry less in public, and you’ve now re-engaged more in society, and they see you experiencing more joy, and laughter, they believe the pain has lessened. When really I’ve learned to survive. Grief resides with joy. I have strong days, and I have days that moves to be too much to carry. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own life. But through it all, I’ve learned that God is the source of my blessing. We must trust God thru the uncertainty, and trust him for what we do not and can not understand thru our circumstances.

July 4th and 10 years Later…..

eliyahsheart

January 19, 2013 will always be a date in my mind forever embedded in sadness, anxiety, and hate. I hate that date. I absolutely hate that date. Saying it out-loud gives me peace. That’s all it does. Waking up the morning of and stepping into Eliyah’s room and seeing his lifeless body in the bed can still be a lingering nightmare in my thoughts. Every year it rolls around and every year it still sucks….

The state issues certificates. Both birth certificates and for death. When Eliyah was born, I remember so fondly the birth, the nurses etc. There was an Administrator who came in to give me the paperwork for his birth certificate. You want to make sure you spell the name correctly. It’s such a surreal moment. You have brought a new person into this world. You almost can’t wait until you get the embossed certification that will be used for a lifetime. That day for me was July 4th, 1996. A nationwide holiday. I had an incredibly short labor and I absolutely could not have asked for a better experience.

When I finally received the birth certificate. I was elated. It took a few weeks, but I was over the moon, like this is really here!! He’s official. I mean his presence made him official but now he was officially official. Ha!! I took it and placed it in a safe place until I needed it down the years for school enrollment or something like that.

Now it is 10 years since Eliyah’s passing and what would be his 27th birthday is here. When Eliyah died and all the paperwork needed to be filled out then, I was in a fog. I know that I was asked questions, but who knows what was said? I knew that a death certificate would be issued but I didn’t care. Who wants to see that? What’s special in that? It makes your worst realities come true. That’s it. Sure I needed it to close things out etc. But so??? It’s a very anxious producing piece of paper. It also is now filed in the same place I keep all of my other important documents.

So here we are. 10 years after the passing of Eliyah and 27 years since the amazing day of his birth. It still remains a very difficult day for me. I celebrate and reminisce of the joy of his birth, but it is shadowed by his presence not being physically here. It remains a mental battle. It’s a Holiday, and therefore people are out and about celebrating. I feel as though I too should be celebrating. Having fun, going somewhere fun, going out to dinner, eating cupcakes, you know celebrating. Now of course I still could do all of those things and I have before to celebrate. But I always, always, always feel the missing piece. It brings me back to focus on those that remain here that I love and appreciate. But I would be lying if i said it was comfortable around this time of the year, and especially on the date.

So here it is again. July 4th. I’ve shared previously that I choose to focus on the positive. And nothing about that has changed. It’s what keeps me sane. It’s what keeps my relationship with God alive and real. It fuels my hope. I know that there are some who still watch me.. you know the ” OMG there’s the woman who lost child is she still ok? Is she thriving? Is she a depressive mess of a woman who couldn’t move through life anymore?” I pray that my life inspires someone. That they know God can keep you through the death of a child. I pray that people see him through me. I’m not able to keep it together. It is not me. I would have not made it realistically past the first year of his death.

I carried a heartbeat in me that no longer beats but his spirit is alive and well. I will keep my tissues on standby. I celebrate that God chose me to be his mother. I’m grateful that Eliyah graced this earth with his presence for 16 years. I miss him beyond what man can comprehend. God blessed me beyond measure and as this 4th of July comes and goes.. His love for me remains.

Spring Grief

eliyahsheart

My favorite time of the year is Autumn/Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, I love the feel of the air. I enjoy the weather, cool but not cold. Wearing a light jacket, hat, scarf. I love the colors, brown, yellow, orange, It makes me happy somehow. It just feels good. Fall indicates the change.. You literally see the changes. When I was a kid we would rake the leaves, and then fall into the pile. Of course we would then have to re-rake them up. Haha. But that simple time and space brought so much joy. Perhaps that’s when Fall began to resonate with me as my favorite.

For many others I know Spring is their favorite time of the year. It signifies rebirth. winter has ended and the flowers begin to bloom. People begin the act of “Spring cleaning”. Getting rid of the old. The bees are buzzing once again, and the school kids are looking forward to the end of another year. Spring indicates to the bears that have been hibernating to wake up.

I do not care for Spring as many others do. It brings out so many things I do not like. spiders, snakes, flies, etc. Pollen is everywhere you turn. It’s not my cup of tea. I suppose that’s why I can relate this particular season to grief. Many would say winter because of the barrenness. But the sadness and dislike for me is wrapped up in spring.

When Eliyah died it was Winter. My father.. Winter. But the beginning of my true grief began in the spring. The shock, and quiet time began in the Spring. It was challenging and uncertain. My feelings were all over the place internally. I suppose you would have to ask those I was around what I looked like externally.

To have grief in the season in which most of the world deems as a time of renewal is also hard. While the sun is shining and flowers are blooming, the hopelessness and despair can be so overwhelming. Guilt can overwhelm, and turn what looks to be beautiful on the outside into misery.

So where is the hope? Where is the beauty for your ashes? Keeping the gratitude in the forefront and remembering that the pain we carry is not the connection . God allows us to embrace joy in the midst of sorrow. We are never as alone as we may feel, and trust me that feeling can be excruciating. I understood that loneliness wasn’t always about being alone, but I missed Eliyah. I had to create space for my grief. I could be surrounded by people at times and internally, it was just me.

So as Spring has arrived, and Summer to follow. I give myself permission to find enjoyment in it. My father loved gardening. Ever since I was a child he had a garden. This was a nurturing activity which provided food. Again, not my thing but the flowers sure are pretty. Taking pictures of them, or taking a walk to enjoy God’s creation and marvel at what he has made does make me smile. Grief in the Spring can be hard because people are involved in more outdoor activities, whereas in the winter it may be easier to hide. So the pressure to be “present” can be there. Grief does not have an order has the seasons do, and can strike at any time. It’s not predictable.

I am grateful for each season. I have my favorite of course, but still find gratitude in each one. The seed that rises in the spring, is how God shows me he cares. The birds that sing in the Spring, is how God shows me he cares. The trees that stand tall and show off their leaves that made it through maybe a harsh winter is how God shows me he cares. I have a heightened awareness of how god reveals himself. I hold on to the hope. I do my best to lean into it for it’s my chance to survive. Yes it’s bittersweet for me because Mother’s Day is in the spring too. That alone can feel like a personal winter. I choose to see the joy in what I may not like or feel comfortable in. God is greater than anything I may face. And so I stare in his heart, so that I may get strength, comfort, and find that hiding place within him.

Learning, and Loving

eliyahsheart

Who am I becoming? 8 years have passed now that Eliyah has moved to Heaven. I believe I have become more tender hearted than ever. I was thinking out loud wondering why is this bothering me? Why does this seem something so foreign to me or something that needs to be adjusted? I think it’s because we must always guard our hearts with everything that God gave us. Recently I had to ask what does this really mean? To guard my tender and at times very fragile heart, because out of it flows the well spring of life. In my writings and conversations I can be very vulnerable. I do not want this organ (my heart) to be stepped on. I require joy. Not always happiness but joy. My heart thru this journey has had in my opinion way to many bandages, and far to many leaks. How especially in grief can this be avoided? I don’t think that it can. I think I have tried every avenue to avoid, and even run away from even the possibility, but just like my shadow it’s there. So I concluded that it is avoidable, so I must manage. This heartache,  It can come with any subject.. A romantic loss, a physical loss of someone, disappointment. Let me talk about that disappointment. Hoping and praying for the outcome you want and when it doesn’t happen…Bam!!! it rears it’s ugly head. Especially when you dont see it coming. Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Maybe you’ve prayed for something and the answer God gives is no, or he is silent. Whatever it is, the outcome did not meet the expectations or the desire that you had within.  Maybe you are up for a promotion at your job. you’ve been there a long time, you out shine your co-workers, and the bosses’ nephew comes to town, and bam!! he gives it to him based on being related alone. How do you respond? Do you respond? What if you have been praying for a job all together and week, denial letter after another keeps coming? Bills have red-notes on them, and you are a week shy of losing your apt. or home. How do you respond? I wonder at times what keeps people from utterly breaking? What about when that relationship you thought was the one that would last forever and it fails? You invested time, maybe money, given of yourself and it comes to an abrupt halt, or you find out things about the other person that changes your feelings? How do you handle it? Another thing I realize about myself is that I’m an over thinker.. I over analyze, I allow things to steal my rest because my mind is circling. I tend to run things in my head, you know worst case scenarios, best case scenarios. But it’s so bad because I will think but what if ? Let me say those what if’s will destroy you. They will take you mentally away from it all. You will be so caught up in worry that it’s all to the bad. When a situation pops up and I begin to dream, envision how it will go, smile at the possible outcome etc. I couldn’t be more excited. You know how a balloon has air and it’s flying high and enjoying the view. If it suddenly gets thwarted or doesn’t come into fruition, my silly heart falls, balloon deflates, and I am now overthinking plan B.. The re-adjustment. But how does this happen without big ole crocodile tears? or worse anger!? I then take a pause, deep breaths, and start to replay it all. Am I at fault? Does God still care? will it get better sooner or later? What does my readjustment look like? who else if anyone is involved?  Can I even listen to the small still voice in my head that says “One day this too shall pass”? Do I even care to listen to any encouraging voices around me? are they around? It’s thee hardest emotions for me. Will there ever be justice? Did I set myself up for failure? Did I have expectations and should not have? But how the hell do you not have expectations? Maybe they were too high…. Maybe they weren’t high enough. Even in grief I never want to be the victim. Watching others experience loss knowing what the road up ahead will bring makes me sad. My empathy has grown. Learning and loving through it all. I keep going, I keep moving forward, I keep praying, I keep dreaming, I keep Heaven in my view. This journey has not become easier. I am still navigating life the best that I can. God gives me strength beyond what I thought I could receive or even have. I press forward everyday. When my heart needs a rest, I do my best to give it that and recharge, re-focus and begin again.