Tears in the back

I haven’t written or shared anything here since the beginning of the year. My father Wayne Wilson passed away suddenly at the end of January, and being a daddy’s girl, it did a number on me…… Thinking about it now it’s probably been 6 months. I kept saying to myself I need to write in my blog. I’d say c’mon girl aren’t you thinking about writing? Sure.. I thought about sharing..But it just didn’t feel possible. I think and have thoughts about much this year. We are still in a pandemic of sorts. Many have lost love ones this year, and would probably conclude that this is the worst year ever in their lives, and for different reasons. I write this blog in an effort to help with my own personal healing in my journey, but to also encourage others who have experienced the loss of a child. Some have reached out to me saying that this blog has helped them through other losses, and to that I say to God be the glory.

Grief is not about survival. It is about living each day well through hurt, pain, loss, fear of future, etc. My heart has been overwhelmed lately watching the news in part and seeing what is happening across our nation, and our world. I think about those that have experienced new loss, and the indescribable pain they now feel.

Yesterday, I visited the cemetery where my son Eliyah is buried. It’s not something that I do often, or make a habit of but I felt the need to get out of the house and go somewhere where I could cry, pray, and not be bothered. When I got out the car and walked to his grave my body just fell into a sit down position and I just weeped. I weeped for the son that I miss so much, my father who’s loss to me is still very raw, I just sat there and cried. I just cried because I had the feeling of being on the “backburner” on the stove. Through this time I’ve had to console others. When my daughters were younger and even now of course I have to lay aside my hurt to help them. One of my girlfriends always reminds me that I am of no help to anyone if I am not cared for. Airlines always tell you to put the mask on yourself first, and then proceed to help someone else. Who will care for the person that must care for everyone else? Who provides love to the one that feels depleted? I sat on the grass. I never sit on the grass anywhere because within about 5-10 minutes I’m super itchy. Hahaha. I even had a little blanket in my trunk but I was too weak to move so I just sat there. I dont know how long I was there. Maybe 30 minutes, but I needed to talk my thoughts out loud. I needed to pray, I needed to read, and re-read Eliyah’s marker over and over.. I could feel the tears in the back. What do I mean by this? Well, when you are cooking a large meal, maybe for Thanksgiving or a celebration. Most stoves have 4 burners on top. The burners in the front get priority use for what is needed quickly or what is needed or being tended to first. The burners in the back are used for maybe warming something up, or you have already cooked the dish, so you put it back there to get out of the way. It’s important however that these burners are not left alone or forgotten about because of their placement. This is what parenting, or moving through these times feels like for me. Like I’m crying in the back somewhere unattended. It’s a catch 22. God gives you strength, and people see that and make assumptions that you are A ok. You help your friends, your kids, family members, your neighbors, and even help those who are just going through the first year or first few weeks of grief. They’re looking to you because you made it on the other side, and smiles are there again, and comfort for them is needed and you are the only one who can give it. I understand it completely.

The struggle of staying sane through these difficult days is what the tears in the back are. I know I had to reconcile that time moves on even when you aren’t ready or don’t want to. I know that it is ok to not be ok. I know that broken crayons still color. I want you, me, us to be well. Self care for you is important. Do not neglect what it is that you may need. Do not push or allow yourself to be on the ” back burner” if you need the attention in the front that is condusive to your healing. Tears in the back requires an assessment. I am no good to others when I am a mess. Most times even the people that I’m closest to fail to recognize the distress signals. Or the expectation is that I’ll be good in a day or so. Tears are cleansing and given by God for a purpose. Never loose sight of that. I’ve cried often this year. It’s been a year for the record books. Just keep the tissues on standby…But through this difficult season I know that God will wipe the tears away. He bottles up the tears. Joy will come again, and it will be unspeakable. This is my hope that I cling to…….