January 19, 2013 will always be a date in my mind forever embedded in sadness, anxiety, and hate. I hate that date. I absolutely hate that date. Saying it out-loud gives me peace. That’s all it does. Waking up the morning of and stepping into Eliyah’s room and seeing his lifeless body in the bed can still be a lingering nightmare in my thoughts. Every year it rolls around and every year it still sucks….
The state issues certificates. Both birth certificates and for death. When Eliyah was born, I remember so fondly the birth, the nurses etc. There was an Administrator who came in to give me the paperwork for his birth certificate. You want to make sure you spell the name correctly. It’s such a surreal moment. You have brought a new person into this world. You almost can’t wait until you get the embossed certification that will be used for a lifetime. That day for me was July 4th, 1996. A nationwide holiday. I had an incredibly short labor and I absolutely could not have asked for a better experience.
When I finally received the birth certificate. I was elated. It took a few weeks, but I was over the moon, like this is really here!! He’s official. I mean his presence made him official but now he was officially official. Ha!! I took it and placed it in a safe place until I needed it down the years for school enrollment or something like that.
Now it is 10 years since Eliyah’s passing and what would be his 27th birthday is here. When Eliyah died and all the paperwork needed to be filled out then, I was in a fog. I know that I was asked questions, but who knows what was said? I knew that a death certificate would be issued but I didn’t care. Who wants to see that? What’s special in that? It makes your worst realities come true. That’s it. Sure I needed it to close things out etc. But so??? It’s a very anxious producing piece of paper. It also is now filed in the same place I keep all of my other important documents.
So here we are. 10 years after the passing of Eliyah and 27 years since the amazing day of his birth. It still remains a very difficult day for me. I celebrate and reminisce of the joy of his birth, but it is shadowed by his presence not being physically here. It remains a mental battle. It’s a Holiday, and therefore people are out and about celebrating. I feel as though I too should be celebrating. Having fun, going somewhere fun, going out to dinner, eating cupcakes, you know celebrating. Now of course I still could do all of those things and I have before to celebrate. But I always, always, always feel the missing piece. It brings me back to focus on those that remain here that I love and appreciate. But I would be lying if i said it was comfortable around this time of the year, and especially on the date.
So here it is again. July 4th. I’ve shared previously that I choose to focus on the positive. And nothing about that has changed. It’s what keeps me sane. It’s what keeps my relationship with God alive and real. It fuels my hope. I know that there are some who still watch me.. you know the ” OMG there’s the woman who lost child is she still ok? Is she thriving? Is she a depressive mess of a woman who couldn’t move through life anymore?” I pray that my life inspires someone. That they know God can keep you through the death of a child. I pray that people see him through me. I’m not able to keep it together. It is not me. I would have not made it realistically past the first year of his death.
I carried a heartbeat in me that no longer beats but his spirit is alive and well. I will keep my tissues on standby. I celebrate that God chose me to be his mother. I’m grateful that Eliyah graced this earth with his presence for 16 years. I miss him beyond what man can comprehend. God blessed me beyond measure and as this 4th of July comes and goes.. His love for me remains.
Eliyahsheart.com 