Tag: birthday

Visibility of my Soul

eliyahsheart

Today can’t stop. It’s like being on a never ending carousel. You get on and the ride goes up and down, round and round. The attendant has left and you have no choice but to continue. There are 365 days of the year, (or add one more for Leap year). I have had times where I have cringed certain days. Days that I just want to skip right over. July 4th is now a bittersweet day for me. I’m on that carousel. Horse up is the wonderful memories he brings me. The utter joy I have of the happier days in my life. I can still see his face and hear his voice the night I last saw him. Those are the “horse highs” on the ride. The “Horse lows” is him not being here to celebrate with me. I have the horrible complex catch 22. I’m taken back to the my pregnancy and the day he was born to wanting to hug him, see him, hear him…. Oh man, The elation of that day. My first baby, The anticipation of holding my son. Him being a holiday baby to the now remembering that he’s not here, but now resides in Heaven. The constant round and round makes me dizzy. Up, down, up, down, round and round… And someone please turn off that creepy music.. It’s supposed to remind you of happy childhood days, but I’d rather hear a classic R&B jam from the 90’s. Today is a tricky day…

This is what I see now.. July 4, 1996 – January 19, 2013. 16 years of life. And every year is the same now, I add another year. He would be 24. Every year I ask the same questions according to that age..This time it’s What would he be doing now? Working? Still in college? Would he have a girlfriend? What would he look like? Yep, I wonder about it all, and it’s never going to stop….Those wonderings will continue for the rest of my natural life. And it’s ok. I’m not sharing because it’s a problem, it’s my reality.

Are there birthdays in Heaven? Is there any recognition? I’d like to imagine that there are for just a moment. I close my eyes and envision not birthday cakes, not party favors, but music and dancing. I see our loved ones looking at us and saying a prayer that we will be ok as we remember them on the day they were born. My dad told me about a dream he had of Eliyah. He saw him sitting on a very bright street corner playing his trumpet. He said he had a look on his face that embodied more happiness than he had ever seen. My father then went on to say that his look gave him peace that Eliyah was doing just fine. I can’t help but have the same vision. Eliyah left this earth 7 years ago and I have yet to have a dream about him, or talk to him in a dream. But I could see him thru the lens of my father’s dream. However on his birthday I picture him celebrating with Jesus. Playing his trumpet for him. I talk to him always and today I would ask of him to remind Jesus of my prayer to make this day less heavy for me. To shine on me in a very special way because my heart hurts….

I have/had a video of Eliyah playing happy birthday on his trumpet to me. I say have/had because thru much searching I still can’t find it. I can see what he had on, where he stood, and his big smile of joy afterwards, when I remember it. But I still can’t find it. It bothers me.. It was so personal. And because he’s not here I grieve it’s whereabouts… Had to bring it up because it’s in my thoughts, but I’m not going to dwell on it any further today.

I write and share with the heart of transparency. I want people to know that broken crayons still color. That it is ok to share the broken pieces, the broken moments, the broken dreams gone unfulfilled. This is an unthinkable journey, yet here I am. By the grace of God I can share with all of you. My heart is to encourage, uplift, and to inspire. Happy birthday Eliyah. You’ve inspired me, and through your life gave me purpose to pursue a life worth living. Thank you Eliyah for I know even now there is value in each and every struggle and pain. Your life pushes me forward to manage said pain and to complete what God has called me to do!! I love you forever my son.

Happy Birthday Eliyah Linell

eliyahsheart

Today marks 1 year to the date that I began this blog. It is also my son Eliyah’s 23rd birthday. I have to say that I am proud of myself for starting something in honor of him. A blog that has allowed me to express many things of my grief journey. Thank you for following and I pray it has and will continue to bless you, bring healing, and understand my grief a little better.

Milestones as today hit very hard. The unpredictability of grief is what I hate the most. You make plans, and then boom! Plans change in a heartbeat because now you no longer “feel” like it or maybe what you thought you’d do you no longer have an interest in doing. Or the weight of the day just became so much that it became to much of a burden. Sometimes it’s other people’s expectations that you must now battle through.

Eliyah was born on the 4th of July. So, in addition to dealing with all the above. It’s a national holiday. People invite you to bar-b-que’s, for some it’s a beach day, and the fireworks at night.  This requires leaving the house. It requires being around people who may not get it. they may want you to be happy as not to bring their celebration down. I can look at a the from the perspective of a clock. I may be up for all of it around 10 am, and not want to see anyone at 4pm. I may just want to reminisce with close family until noon and see some people for a little while at 6 pm. There’s really no rhyme to the reason. It’s just how grief works.

Today, I had plans to celebrate at Disneyland, because it was one of his favorite places, and mine. However my plans changed do to some other things coming up, so I will more than likely go next week.  It’s been 7 birthdays now without him and I have felt the sting, emptiness, hole, every year. every year I’ve done something different. some have been planned and others not so much. I too what feels necessary for my heart, spirit, and mind. 1 year I remember I forced an ended early a trip because my mother wanted me to celebrate with the rest of the family in town. I was miserable.. I didn’t want to be around anyone, and 1 family member even asked “oh is today his birthday”? just completely unaware and didn’t understand my pain. I vowed to never let that happen again, and it hasn’t. I celebrate and honor Eliyah as I see fit. Not under anyone’s request.

I am honored to have been chosen to be Eliyah’s mother. He came into this world calm. I had no drugs, no I.V. and a very relatively pain free natural childbirth. Eliyah lived his life loving us his family, and had a heart for others. He loved God and although he was 6 foot 3, he was a gentle guy. He loved his sisters, and was proud to be their older brother.  I miss him more than anyone could possible think.  Time doesn’t make my heart less empty.  Living my life for God makes it bearable.

Happy 23rd birthday in Heaven Eliyah J. Linell

 

eliyahsheart

Celebrating holidays, birthdays..while grieving

 

The subject of grief to many can be so complex. As a mother whose child died it is an excruciating, painful experience.  It is something that can’t be masked or sugarcoated.  Eliyah was born on July 4th, 1996. What a fine day to enter the world!! Every year America celebrates this holiday with fun, food, and fireworks. Families plan getaways, vacations, and fantastic events.  For me I celebrated Eliyah’s birth.  It’s been 5 years since his passing. Every year I have done something different. The first year, which for many people is the hardest or most challenging, my husband Kevin and I went to the Ojai Valley Inn for alone time and relaxation.  I remember my mother calling me a few times wanting us to celebrate with the family. I didn’t want to. I needed to be away, and I was not in any mood for fireworks, kids, and people I knew. And so, off to Ojai we went.  I cried a lot. We enjoyed spa time, massages, and I even played my first round of golf. Although it was a beautiful place, and smelled of lavender I actually found it not that easy to relax.  My heart hurt, and massages don’t fix that.

Eliyah passed away on Jan. 19 2013. Before his birthday, there was  Valentine’s Day, Easter…. and Mother’s Day. I scrapbook which means I sort of keep everything lol. Thank God because I keep all the cards my kids have given or made for me.  I went back and read through his Mother’s Day cards to me. I can’t even describe what that felt like. Joy, because I have them, and heartache because there would be no more.  As, the year went on and we got closer to the Christmas holiday I cringed. I didn’t even put up any decor. No tree, wreath, lights, nothing. I had no energy mental or physical to do it. And you know what? It was ok. I had nothing to prove, and I needed to grieve how I needed to grieve.

So, what have I learned in remembering and celebrating the holidays? That no one can tell you how to process your loss. You can’t stop the day (birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Anniversaries, ) from coming. God meets us where we are at, not where we pretend to be, or would like to be. You can survive the Holidays while you are grieving. This year we celebrated the 4th of July at The Disney Resort. It was incredible. We celebrated Eliyah, and enjoyed ourselves.

You will face many emotions.  You are not alone, Eventually you will heal. For me, it was do not live in others expectations for what I needed. Everyone grieves different and that’s ok. There is no handbook for grieving correctly. Honor your loved one how you see fit. Soon, the good days will outweigh the painfully acute days, and you will see evidence of the healing process.

                                                                               #Hellomychild