Tag: faith

The Offer of Silence

eliyahsheart

I was thinking about my son today, and had to shed some tears. I think about him everyday but tears don’t always flow. Interesting enough I cried because of a thought. I saw my youngest brother’s face the day of his service. Up until the service I hadn’t seen him cry. He was in help mode and supported me during that week. As the service ended and we walked outside the Sanctuary I turned left and saw him breaking down. It broke me. And after 11 years it still does. I can never get that image out of my mind. Even before the thought of thatI was watching tv and a young lady was having a baby. I thought about my birth story. Eliyah was my firstborn. My brother was also there for his delivery. He was my lamaze coach. He also named his Email with Eliyah’s name. There was such a bond from the beginning and knowing what he felt in that moment when he finally released at the church hurts to remember. I knew that his pain ran very deep. He sat with me everyday. Not offering pointless words, etc. but just his presence. It was a great comfort to me.

I had lunch with my youngest daughter earlier this week. She was 7 when Eliyah died. She is now 18. We were having a great conversation and somehow it led to me remembering some things that happened during that initial week, the day of the service, and the days following. she started to tell me the things she remembered but said it was in pieces. I suppose I’m happy that she doesn’t remember so much. I wish I could block many things from that time. The talk shifted to my mother. She called me and told me one day “You know, you aren’t the only one who misses him”. I thought uhhh duh I know that, and don’t need you to tell me. I wasn’t even sure why she would say something like that. As I already felt depleted. I explained to my daughter that it was like you have the deepest wound and you’re bleeding out profusely but you have to put bandages on the ones with superficial wounds. Everyone is hurt. But you can’t attend to your wounds because you are helping everyone else with their wounds. Many around don’t know how to help you or once the service is over they disappear. So you are left figuring your new life out alone. I was telling her about the selfishness I experienced from some. Now I’m not talking about my mother. She wanted me to know that she was hurting too and seeing me hurt as well compounded it. But the timing was off. Silence would have been a great idea.

In the bible when Job lost all that he had and his friends came they sat with him. They initially came to be sit with him and comfort him. For 7 days they sat in silence before saying anything. But as soon as they spoke the unhelpful misery ensued. Unsuccessful comfort. Sure their intentions were good but are good intentions enough? I can’t answer as to why bad things happen. I don’t understand the secrets of God’s wisdom. Why God allows what he allows. Job never lost his faith.

I think about that in the midst of suffering, hard times, grief. What is needed is compassion, encouragement, hope, patience while suffering, and sometimes perhaps silence. Weep with others, mourn as they mourn, and exclude any judgement. Words can do little to soothe. What I’ve experienced is that when those that sat with me and just let me be allowed me to feel peace. You hear always that “I don’t know what to say” that’s ok.

Grief is complex in all of its stages for an infinite amount of time. The memories, the thoughts, etc. Sometimes people see you and because you now cry less in public, and you’ve now re-engaged more in society, and they see you experiencing more joy, and laughter, they believe the pain has lessened. When really I’ve learned to survive. Grief resides with joy. I have strong days, and I have days that moves to be too much to carry. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own life. But through it all, I’ve learned that God is the source of my blessing. We must trust God thru the uncertainty, and trust him for what we do not and can not understand thru our circumstances.

Uninvited Change

eliyahsheart

Recently I have had friends who have experienced deep loss with a loved one. It always makes me think about those that I have had in my life that is no longer here. Specifically Eliyah. With my youngest daughter approaching her high school graduation in just a few weeks, I can’t help put to reflect on the years that have gone by. She was seven years old when Eliyah died. (By the way I still detest saying those words) I prefer the day Eliyah went to Heaven. Anyway, back to my thoughts. She is now 18 and an adult. Almost ready to embark on this thing called life on her own. I could tell you briefly about that fateful morning. She slept through the chaos of it all. I had to think about the best way to tell her what had happened and to also keep her from coming downstairs because his body was on the floor after the paramedics left. I remember so much from that morning, and yet there is much I want to forget. She went to sleep having a brother to laugh with, and give piggy back rides to waking up to the worst news possible.

I’ve never been afraid of change, and God only knows, I’ve had many changes in my lifetime. No one has a guarantee to an easy life. Accomplishing anything great in life requires significant change that pushes you beyond the comfort zone.. And then there’s the uninvited change, as with the day Eliyah went to Heaven, which brought and still brings from time to time incredible pain. I think of the things I ask for you know like maybe a new kitchen, or maybe redesigning your home.. things of that nature. The invited change. But a sudden departure from this earth is not only uninvited, but it’s also unwelcomed. That’s the way i see it.

I’m still being pushed beyond my “comfort zone” and it brings with it just a bit of anxiety at times. I’m getting older and still have so more to learn, more to do. I do my best not to focus on my disappointments or failures. Nothing is wasted in life. Keep striving and pushing towards success in life. I have some really wonderful people in my life that don’t allow me to sit at the pity train depot, but encourage me, even when I’d rather cry for a looooooooong while instead. And don’t get me wrong, there are proper times for the cleansing cry. But to take a seat and just stay stuck? I do not have that luxury nor time.

What I always must go to is the word of God. One of his wonderful attributes is that in Malachi 3:6 it says, “I am the Lord, I change not. He remains the same. In fact it is us who must change to be more like him. The scripture means I can trust him. It brings great comfort to know this. Listen, I love that this also means that he cannot fail to keep his promises. Change occurs always in many ways in our lives but to know that with all the changes in this life, those that I have experienced and those that will still happen, I can rely on him who remains unchangeable in a world of uninvited change and that I think is pretty awesome.

Words from another..

eliyahsheart

It is 11 years today, that Eliyah left the earthly world.. The pain does not end, you, (I) learn to live/maneuver/deal/ignore sometimes/move through it. Grief is still and I suppose will always be a very unwelcomed visitor. So today, I will share instead of some profound words that I just don’t have in me today a letter from one of his teachers. My prayer is that you can be inspired, and know that you just never know who’s life you may impact.

Dear Linell Family:

I did not speak with you last year when we lost Eliyah. I wanted to call your family personally that terrible week, but knew that while my words would be appreciated, they would perhaps be diluted by the myriad of condolences that surely were heaped upon your family by the endless stream of those that loved that remarkable kid. That wasn’t good enough, because Eliyah had made such a profound impression on me and my class. I also feared that I would not be able to keep my composure. So I held off.

When I arrived back to my classroom on Monday, I looked up on the board at the front of my classroom at Eliyah’s picture and thought of the devastating loss to your family, Golden Valley, and the community that his passing brought. I wondered how your family has carried on under such duress and pain. I am quite certain that memories of your son are still your first and last thought of the day–particularly last fourth of July. I realized that while the whole country celebrated, your family would be overcome by his absence once again.

From the first day Eliyah arrived in my classroom, I knew that this big, outgoing, lovable young man would bring even more fun and joy to my classroom than I could possibly produce alone. I knew this because his attitude and demeanor was–from day one–nothing but kindness and smiles and laughter. I don’t believe that he had a cruel bone in his body. Eliyah was an expert at making people feel comfortable. I always got a kick from the way that he would use his charm and good humor to sidetrack my inquiry about his work when I occasionally would catch him off-task. Of course, if he was off task, it meant that he was joking around with one of his fellow chem students, making them smile, too. You MUST be fantastic parents, because in a world where so many kids have lost an understanding of the importance of personal values, thoughtfulness and empathy for others, Eliyah was a gentle, kind-hearted soul that took personal responsibility for his actions, and did so unhesitatingly. That kind of life view only comes from being raised in a close and caring family.

If I could speak to that wonderful kid one more time, I’d tell him how he made an indelible mark in my life. I’d tell him how profoundly sad the end of his life would make us all. I’d tell him that I would miss him and that the world desperately needed more people like him. I’d tell him to finish his homework.

Eliyah’s influence will stay with me, because I cannot help but incorporate his memory into the collection of nearly 20 years worth of my most beloved students, against which I compare all others. I hope that your family remains strong and steadfast, and I hope that with time, the pain dulls and only the joy remains.

With profound appreciation,

Gary S. Rubens

Gary S. Rubens, M.Ed.

Chemistry, Biology &

Earth Science Instructor

Golden Valley High School

July 4th and 10 years Later…..

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January 19, 2013 will always be a date in my mind forever embedded in sadness, anxiety, and hate. I hate that date. I absolutely hate that date. Saying it out-loud gives me peace. That’s all it does. Waking up the morning of and stepping into Eliyah’s room and seeing his lifeless body in the bed can still be a lingering nightmare in my thoughts. Every year it rolls around and every year it still sucks….

The state issues certificates. Both birth certificates and for death. When Eliyah was born, I remember so fondly the birth, the nurses etc. There was an Administrator who came in to give me the paperwork for his birth certificate. You want to make sure you spell the name correctly. It’s such a surreal moment. You have brought a new person into this world. You almost can’t wait until you get the embossed certification that will be used for a lifetime. That day for me was July 4th, 1996. A nationwide holiday. I had an incredibly short labor and I absolutely could not have asked for a better experience.

When I finally received the birth certificate. I was elated. It took a few weeks, but I was over the moon, like this is really here!! He’s official. I mean his presence made him official but now he was officially official. Ha!! I took it and placed it in a safe place until I needed it down the years for school enrollment or something like that.

Now it is 10 years since Eliyah’s passing and what would be his 27th birthday is here. When Eliyah died and all the paperwork needed to be filled out then, I was in a fog. I know that I was asked questions, but who knows what was said? I knew that a death certificate would be issued but I didn’t care. Who wants to see that? What’s special in that? It makes your worst realities come true. That’s it. Sure I needed it to close things out etc. But so??? It’s a very anxious producing piece of paper. It also is now filed in the same place I keep all of my other important documents.

So here we are. 10 years after the passing of Eliyah and 27 years since the amazing day of his birth. It still remains a very difficult day for me. I celebrate and reminisce of the joy of his birth, but it is shadowed by his presence not being physically here. It remains a mental battle. It’s a Holiday, and therefore people are out and about celebrating. I feel as though I too should be celebrating. Having fun, going somewhere fun, going out to dinner, eating cupcakes, you know celebrating. Now of course I still could do all of those things and I have before to celebrate. But I always, always, always feel the missing piece. It brings me back to focus on those that remain here that I love and appreciate. But I would be lying if i said it was comfortable around this time of the year, and especially on the date.

So here it is again. July 4th. I’ve shared previously that I choose to focus on the positive. And nothing about that has changed. It’s what keeps me sane. It’s what keeps my relationship with God alive and real. It fuels my hope. I know that there are some who still watch me.. you know the ” OMG there’s the woman who lost child is she still ok? Is she thriving? Is she a depressive mess of a woman who couldn’t move through life anymore?” I pray that my life inspires someone. That they know God can keep you through the death of a child. I pray that people see him through me. I’m not able to keep it together. It is not me. I would have not made it realistically past the first year of his death.

I carried a heartbeat in me that no longer beats but his spirit is alive and well. I will keep my tissues on standby. I celebrate that God chose me to be his mother. I’m grateful that Eliyah graced this earth with his presence for 16 years. I miss him beyond what man can comprehend. God blessed me beyond measure and as this 4th of July comes and goes.. His love for me remains.

Spring Grief

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My favorite time of the year is Autumn/Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, I love the feel of the air. I enjoy the weather, cool but not cold. Wearing a light jacket, hat, scarf. I love the colors, brown, yellow, orange, It makes me happy somehow. It just feels good. Fall indicates the change.. You literally see the changes. When I was a kid we would rake the leaves, and then fall into the pile. Of course we would then have to re-rake them up. Haha. But that simple time and space brought so much joy. Perhaps that’s when Fall began to resonate with me as my favorite.

For many others I know Spring is their favorite time of the year. It signifies rebirth. winter has ended and the flowers begin to bloom. People begin the act of “Spring cleaning”. Getting rid of the old. The bees are buzzing once again, and the school kids are looking forward to the end of another year. Spring indicates to the bears that have been hibernating to wake up.

I do not care for Spring as many others do. It brings out so many things I do not like. spiders, snakes, flies, etc. Pollen is everywhere you turn. It’s not my cup of tea. I suppose that’s why I can relate this particular season to grief. Many would say winter because of the barrenness. But the sadness and dislike for me is wrapped up in spring.

When Eliyah died it was Winter. My father.. Winter. But the beginning of my true grief began in the spring. The shock, and quiet time began in the Spring. It was challenging and uncertain. My feelings were all over the place internally. I suppose you would have to ask those I was around what I looked like externally.

To have grief in the season in which most of the world deems as a time of renewal is also hard. While the sun is shining and flowers are blooming, the hopelessness and despair can be so overwhelming. Guilt can overwhelm, and turn what looks to be beautiful on the outside into misery.

So where is the hope? Where is the beauty for your ashes? Keeping the gratitude in the forefront and remembering that the pain we carry is not the connection . God allows us to embrace joy in the midst of sorrow. We are never as alone as we may feel, and trust me that feeling can be excruciating. I understood that loneliness wasn’t always about being alone, but I missed Eliyah. I had to create space for my grief. I could be surrounded by people at times and internally, it was just me.

So as Spring has arrived, and Summer to follow. I give myself permission to find enjoyment in it. My father loved gardening. Ever since I was a child he had a garden. This was a nurturing activity which provided food. Again, not my thing but the flowers sure are pretty. Taking pictures of them, or taking a walk to enjoy God’s creation and marvel at what he has made does make me smile. Grief in the Spring can be hard because people are involved in more outdoor activities, whereas in the winter it may be easier to hide. So the pressure to be “present” can be there. Grief does not have an order has the seasons do, and can strike at any time. It’s not predictable.

I am grateful for each season. I have my favorite of course, but still find gratitude in each one. The seed that rises in the spring, is how God shows me he cares. The birds that sing in the Spring, is how God shows me he cares. The trees that stand tall and show off their leaves that made it through maybe a harsh winter is how God shows me he cares. I have a heightened awareness of how god reveals himself. I hold on to the hope. I do my best to lean into it for it’s my chance to survive. Yes it’s bittersweet for me because Mother’s Day is in the spring too. That alone can feel like a personal winter. I choose to see the joy in what I may not like or feel comfortable in. God is greater than anything I may face. And so I stare in his heart, so that I may get strength, comfort, and find that hiding place within him.

Unknown

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The death of a loved one is so abrasively shocking to your system. The loss of my son Eliyah has been a journey that even when I close my eyes, if I choose and sometimes when I don’t I am catapulted immediately to the day he died.

Death brings unknowns. You ask the why’s… they seem to go on and on. Even if you had an answer, The question of why would still rear itself to your mind in some fashion. What if it’s unknown? What if there is no tangible reason? What if you had to just accept what has happened and begin the brutal task of healing. Yes healing is brutal. It takes time, it’s painful, it leaves scars to remind you of what happened. Sometimes healing is not what we think it should look like. Sometimes how you picture it, the exact opposite is what you are faced with, and now you must adapt accordingly.

Eliyah’s cause of death was SUDEP. Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy. I will focus on the second word. Unexplained. It means it is not accounted for, there is no identifiable cause. It is Unknown. How unnerving right? If you are someone who needs answers it is a mental drive to the crazy house because there is not an answer. I like satisfaction. I want to know reasons, and sometimes my overthinking mind needs a reason for the reason. And yet here I was dealing with a death that had no reason behind it. And furthermore why my child?

Sometimes it’s fear of the unknown that makes our minds scream. What if? What about? etc. This year specifically has challenged many of us to the core for several different reasons. A world pandemic. So many unknowns involved about how we should move forward to stay healthy. Many of you lost a loved one this year, or a job, I have a friend who lost her beautiful home in a fire. Where do you start? Where do you go from here? So many unknowns.

When my mother was sick, my dad used to tell her take one thing at a time. Slow down, don’t try to do it all at once. Sometimes we must acknowledge that steps must be taken. For example if you want to bake a cake, You follow certain steps first. You don’t just throw all in the oven. Certain ingredients must be mixed. Gotta follow the steps 1 thing at a time. Healing of a loved one especially is a process. You don’t heal all at once. I wish it was that easy. A simple process.

Grief is an unknown. It carries with it many, many facets. It carries with it no timeline, no proper way of “grieving right” no such thing, it scares people away, yet can also make people want to draw closer to you to help you through. It affects one person in one way, and to another a different way. No rhyme or reason. It’s complicated. It has stages. the stages are not in any specific order and can last a lifetime of not. Unknown.

So how do we handle the unknown? Do we know? Is there a playbook out there with the plays? An answer key in the back of a book? Is there a guru high upon a mountain who has all the answers? I chose, yes chose to rely on faith. The bible says in Hebrews 11:1 That faith is the hope or the confidence in what we hope for and assurance/evidence about what we do not see. It means to believe completely even when there is no evidence to support. It is my foundation for my relationship with God. The very start of what matters on a spiritual side. It is my confidence that later becomes fully operational to believe his promises. It’s unseen but exists beneath what is visible.

This is what carries me. It fuels me, Drives my reasoning for how I move in life. Utilizing faith while in the unknown has allowed me to put one foot forward at a time. It is the constant abiding trust in what I can’t see. It’s like the unseen foundation of a building. You can’t see it but you know if it’s not there the building would collapse. It’s knowing it will work when it’s not apparent to my senses. It must be applied to all of life challenges. I encourage you to face the unknown head on with faith in front of you. It will make a difference in your life.

My measure of faith

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Have you ever seen an actual mustard seed? It is so tiny. Almost barely visible. I have a tiny jar that I have 1 in. I have also gone to the store in the spice section just to look at them. Matthew 17:20 Jesus said ” Because you have so little faith, Truly I tell you, if you have faith like grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ” Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

My father passed earlier this week unexpectedly. It has shaken me to my core. I have never lived life without him, so this feels very different. It hurts beyond what I can write in words. Experiencing the pain of loss first of my son, then 2 years later my mother and now almost 5 years since her passing my dad, needless to say my faith has been tested, rocked, challenged, and more.  I have sat quietly for many hours wondering, praying, thinking, asking God why?, I’ve sat in tears feeling broken, helpless, asking God to help me, heal me, hold me.

So what can I say about faith? It is the substance /confidence of things hoped for and the assurance that God is working even though we can’t see it.  It does not come easy. It must be exercised to grow.  As with the mustards seed, it can grow to an immense proportion. When you look into what a seed does once it is planted, it is truly amazing. But it will do nothing until it is planted.  Seeds have the ability to remake worlds, and areas around them.

Faith has allowed me to remain rooted even in thee most unsettled of situations.  This immense grief I’m feeling has my faith right about the size of the mustard seed. Grief brings yet again it’s challenges with all of the feelings associated with it. I have come to understand that faith like grieving is a journey. Sometimes prayer is difficult in the presence of grief.

My prayer for you, and for myself is to be willing to accept that things will be different. And in this, I can still be assured that even with the tiniest of seed of faith, we can be confident that God loves us. And one day, although it may not be today, we will flourish under the fire.

The Missing Plate

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It’s Christmas today. For some it really as the song says is The Happiest Season of all. For others it is a season of struggle, depression, and grief. As I reflect on today, I am overwhelmed with many emotions. As I prepare breakfast, and later dinner there is one place setting that remains empty. It belongs to my son Eliyah Linell. 2012 was the last time he sat around the Christmas table. Unbeknownst to us, it would be our last Holiday together. He passed suddenly in his sleep on Jan. 19th, 2013.

I say that I have many emotions because I have other children and a grandson that look forward to this day. They have the expectations of the joy, and happiness associated with Christmas. We believe as a family in the birth of Jesus. Yet, I know the commercialism of this holiday is hard to fight.

Eliyah loved this time of the year. It was his absolute favorite. even more than his own birthday which was July 4th another holiday. He looked forward to decorating the tree and the house. We went to Disneyland during this time, and really loved our time there as well.

I will keep this blog today brief. I will go to the cemetery and say prayers for all those that are bereaved, and grieving. For many this is the first Holiday without their loved ones. I know that it’s hard. I know that many around you will do their best to make you smile, when inside you want to scream all day. My prayer for you is to hold tight to the good memories, and remember Gods sovereignty.

Oh, and that empty plate… Pay it forward. do something for someone that least expects a blessing or gift from you.  Give a smile to yourself. Give grace that grief is a process that will take time. The pain will become less acute over time. I love you and God loves you more!!!

Being Present

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Over the last 6 years since Elijah left this earth, I have encountered many people. I have built many beautiful relationships. I’ve met other moms who have lost a child and there is a unique bond that only we share.  However many of my relationships changed. Many people whom I thought would remain in my life are no longer a part.  Including family members.  I also see that those who I maybe at one point was not close to or did not know well are some of my closest confidants.

Grief has an awful effect on most of us.   It itself is a complete stranger.  My parents told me never to talk to strangers. Do not engage or become familiar with. Therefore, when grief hits, everyone deals with it in a different way.  It is an unwelcomed stranger that forces itself usually immediately after a loss.  Many of those who I counted as my friend during my deepest part of my grief could not handle it for whatever reason.  Some I would say hated to see me suffer so they backed away not knowing how to handle it.  Some were trying to handle their own grief and maybe felt like they would make me feel worse by sharing their hurt too. And maybe others feared that my tragedy would somehow affect their lives differently so they just vanished all together.  Losing someone will either 1. bring you closer together, or 2. be the catalyst for falling apart. And I experienced both.

I had to ask myself a question… Am I asking to much from my friends/family/comforters? I mean he was my son, my heartbeat, I carried him!!! Right?? Surely no one is grieving harder than me.. Not true.  I had to ask myself also What are if any are my expectations?  Should someone automatically know how to comfort me? No, they aren’t mind readers. No one could assess my emotional, spiritual, or physical needs without my input. People were grieving in their own way, and because he was my son many people would in fact heal quicker than me because of the relationship to him.  Some of the anger I had was towards those closer to me. Some demanded more of my attention to them and I couldn’t give it and I was hurt in the process.  I could not understand why I was being avoided in my time of utter and complete sorrow, and brokenness. I mean just because you don’t know how or maybe at a loss for words you avoid me? Yes, people did. I had a friend who 3 years later called me and told me that it was to hard for him to see me hurt so he stayed away. I understood yet at the same time could not give myself a reason for our friendship to just pick up and continue. I instead thanked him for telling me and wished him well in his life. Even through my own grief, there were times I had to sacrifice and be there for others through their pain as well.  I also had those who said some pretty dumb things. Some things said were even quite disrespectful.  I could say it was because they were at a loss but some people at the heart of it are just insensitive and even if you wrote it out and they took a class and then explained it again, they would still be insensitive and there is nothing that you can change about that.  And I could not make excuses for them, so I in turn isolated myself to protect my heart.

Being present is not an easy thing to do. It requires patience, faith, love, gentleness, being kind, and discernment to name a few.  In my life today are some wonderful people that encourage me, pray for me, love on me through my tantrums, and push me to keep going. I have healthy relationships with those who didn’t run away. Those who could bear the weight of my grief. I have met wonderful souls who do not mind me talking about Eliyah, his impact, and his life. I evaluate my expectations better than I did before. Even as my journey continues and yet still the layers of loss that are still being uncovered come, I have those in my life I can call.  I’m careful not to except someone to give me what I know only God can. I have friends who are present and find it not to be a burden on them.  I’m aware that friendships change. My life became more complex, and not easier. I’m so grateful for those that God placed in my life, and I’m grateful for those who he knew would not be good for me and he removed.  God has given me beauty for ashes. Thank you Lord for all that you have done in my life!!! Thank you for being present and never leaving nor forsaking me. Amen!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Letter to a Newly Bereaved Mom

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One of my many main concerns when Eliyah passed was Survival.  How would I survive? How would I wake up and continue to live? Why did I wake up? How long will I feel like this? How long will this valley of Hells darkness consume me? Am I going crazy? These and other questions about life not being fair, and having no control, and apologizing over and over to him that this happened to him, and I his mother couldn’t do anything to stop or prevent it. Feeling anguish, overwhelming sadness, guilt, a hurt so embedded in my heart that I felt the physical manifestation of it.

Farewell on this side of eternity is a difficult journey!!!!

So to you who has recently entered this place. This place is grief. It has no respect of person. It doesn’t care that you’ve visited it many times. It will do its best to consume you and build residence within. Well, for a time it is ok.  Contrary to what we may hear others say or what we may have believed before, it is ok to not be ok. Grief is a disorienting thing.  There is a hole in your heart that wasn’t there before.  I carried a heartbeat inside of me that no longer beats, and the excruciating  pain of that is unlike any other. Grief challenges you. It makes your body weary, tires your mind, weakens your soul. It causes you to overthink, underthink, (not a real word but it’s fine) It makes you gasp for air. Grief causes every container around you to fill your tears.  Tears of heartbreak, tears of what is lost, tears of what will never be, tears of utter disbelief that this is happening, and happening to you, tears of shattered dreams, tears of lost hope, tears of slight happiness because you are still serving although you are in despair.  Every tissue box around you consumed. And just when you feel there are no more tears, a thought, memory, sound, smell, something triggers and the tears fall yet again.  I would say enough, I don’t have any more tears to cry, but here I am again with a wet pillow because my body could not withstand any other place outside my bed.

This was the loss of my son. My firstborn and only son. I knew him the longest of my children. He made me happy with kicks in my belly first. And now he is no longer living on this earth. How do you live with your heart shattered in a billion pieces? You take each moment by it’s moment. You begin to defy the impossible, withstand the storm, and take on the enormous task of Survival. This grief and mourning that you are in although irrational is survivable. Oh it rocks and shakes your foundation of what you believe. It makes you question your faith.  I asked God so many questions after Eliyah’s death. Soooooo many questions. I needed answers.I wanted answers. God said in time. But I said no. I need them now. He said in time.  And with time came healing. Healing was a very far away thought.  I needed not to feel so much pain, and I needed the antiseptic now. With time came answers to purpose. With time came strength. The reminder that love really is stronger than any other thing. The love that I have for Elijah. The love that family and friends had for me, and most importantly the love that God has for me. Love kept me afloat. It would not let me drown.

There is life after death of your child. There is hope. I have learned that I have no control over life. But, I was enduring. Every day I was bearing insurmountable pain. I was given a strength that only God could give me. He had given me grace and peace. I asked him for it. My  friend Carolyn spoke of Beauty for ashes. That is what God was giving me. This void I had, he was giving himself to me. It was a choice. I was never going to get “over” this, and shame on people who tell you that. They don’t know that you don’t get over this. There are no “at leasts” I heard all of this and more.  I thank God for the grace he gave me in those moments to just smile, walk away, because they don’t get it. Love, kindness, and grace goes a long way with others who empathize yet say things they don’t understand.  You don’t just move on, and get passed this.  I chose to survive. I chose to press my way towards healing.  It’s a choice. Be kind to yourself. You have never faced anything like this before. Trust in God doesn’t come easy. I battle for it. I’m choosing to turn my grief into gratitude for what I still have…and one day I will see Eliyah again!! Praise God!

Faith doesn’t guarantee good feelings. For me, it’s expressed thru the dark shadows….I’m praying thru the pain… So you too must pray through the pain. Grief doesn’t get better, we get better at it. This time is rough, but don’t be discouraged, do not, I repeat do not give up!! This journey is so difficult and full of complete heartache at times. I can’t wait for the day when sorrow ends. God says it will be so one day. We will see our loved ones again.  We don’t get to “choose” the obstacles that are in front of us, but to hope, to trust God is a choice and because he is my ultimate source of everything, that’s what I must do..Nothing else matters. Persevere, endure, press through and pray, and let the tears fall!! It must get better. It will get better. Through the adversity, I/We  can find rest in God’s peace…There’s comfort in his plan…

I pray that Our loving God would enfold you in His awesome arms while you journey through this painful season of your life. I pray that He will even carry you on the days that the weight seems unbearable.  Never give up on trusting God. He does great things when we don’t know why or when and turns the worst day into our best right before our eyes if we allow him to keep his place in our heart. Suffering does not create character, it reveals it. Healing on this side of Heaven will continue everyday. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Isaiah 40:29 and for that, I’m grateful.

From a mother who knows to you…I love you all and you are always in my thoughts and prayers!