Tag: hope

The Offer of Silence

eliyahsheart

I was thinking about my son today, and had to shed some tears. I think about him everyday but tears don’t always flow. Interesting enough I cried because of a thought. I saw my youngest brother’s face the day of his service. Up until the service I hadn’t seen him cry. He was in help mode and supported me during that week. As the service ended and we walked outside the Sanctuary I turned left and saw him breaking down. It broke me. And after 11 years it still does. I can never get that image out of my mind. Even before the thought of thatI was watching tv and a young lady was having a baby. I thought about my birth story. Eliyah was my firstborn. My brother was also there for his delivery. He was my lamaze coach. He also named his Email with Eliyah’s name. There was such a bond from the beginning and knowing what he felt in that moment when he finally released at the church hurts to remember. I knew that his pain ran very deep. He sat with me everyday. Not offering pointless words, etc. but just his presence. It was a great comfort to me.

I had lunch with my youngest daughter earlier this week. She was 7 when Eliyah died. She is now 18. We were having a great conversation and somehow it led to me remembering some things that happened during that initial week, the day of the service, and the days following. she started to tell me the things she remembered but said it was in pieces. I suppose I’m happy that she doesn’t remember so much. I wish I could block many things from that time. The talk shifted to my mother. She called me and told me one day “You know, you aren’t the only one who misses him”. I thought uhhh duh I know that, and don’t need you to tell me. I wasn’t even sure why she would say something like that. As I already felt depleted. I explained to my daughter that it was like you have the deepest wound and you’re bleeding out profusely but you have to put bandages on the ones with superficial wounds. Everyone is hurt. But you can’t attend to your wounds because you are helping everyone else with their wounds. Many around don’t know how to help you or once the service is over they disappear. So you are left figuring your new life out alone. I was telling her about the selfishness I experienced from some. Now I’m not talking about my mother. She wanted me to know that she was hurting too and seeing me hurt as well compounded it. But the timing was off. Silence would have been a great idea.

In the bible when Job lost all that he had and his friends came they sat with him. They initially came to be sit with him and comfort him. For 7 days they sat in silence before saying anything. But as soon as they spoke the unhelpful misery ensued. Unsuccessful comfort. Sure their intentions were good but are good intentions enough? I can’t answer as to why bad things happen. I don’t understand the secrets of God’s wisdom. Why God allows what he allows. Job never lost his faith.

I think about that in the midst of suffering, hard times, grief. What is needed is compassion, encouragement, hope, patience while suffering, and sometimes perhaps silence. Weep with others, mourn as they mourn, and exclude any judgement. Words can do little to soothe. What I’ve experienced is that when those that sat with me and just let me be allowed me to feel peace. You hear always that “I don’t know what to say” that’s ok.

Grief is complex in all of its stages for an infinite amount of time. The memories, the thoughts, etc. Sometimes people see you and because you now cry less in public, and you’ve now re-engaged more in society, and they see you experiencing more joy, and laughter, they believe the pain has lessened. When really I’ve learned to survive. Grief resides with joy. I have strong days, and I have days that moves to be too much to carry. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own life. But through it all, I’ve learned that God is the source of my blessing. We must trust God thru the uncertainty, and trust him for what we do not and can not understand thru our circumstances.

Uninvited Change

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Recently I have had friends who have experienced deep loss with a loved one. It always makes me think about those that I have had in my life that is no longer here. Specifically Eliyah. With my youngest daughter approaching her high school graduation in just a few weeks, I can’t help put to reflect on the years that have gone by. She was seven years old when Eliyah died. (By the way I still detest saying those words) I prefer the day Eliyah went to Heaven. Anyway, back to my thoughts. She is now 18 and an adult. Almost ready to embark on this thing called life on her own. I could tell you briefly about that fateful morning. She slept through the chaos of it all. I had to think about the best way to tell her what had happened and to also keep her from coming downstairs because his body was on the floor after the paramedics left. I remember so much from that morning, and yet there is much I want to forget. She went to sleep having a brother to laugh with, and give piggy back rides to waking up to the worst news possible.

I’ve never been afraid of change, and God only knows, I’ve had many changes in my lifetime. No one has a guarantee to an easy life. Accomplishing anything great in life requires significant change that pushes you beyond the comfort zone.. And then there’s the uninvited change, as with the day Eliyah went to Heaven, which brought and still brings from time to time incredible pain. I think of the things I ask for you know like maybe a new kitchen, or maybe redesigning your home.. things of that nature. The invited change. But a sudden departure from this earth is not only uninvited, but it’s also unwelcomed. That’s the way i see it.

I’m still being pushed beyond my “comfort zone” and it brings with it just a bit of anxiety at times. I’m getting older and still have so more to learn, more to do. I do my best not to focus on my disappointments or failures. Nothing is wasted in life. Keep striving and pushing towards success in life. I have some really wonderful people in my life that don’t allow me to sit at the pity train depot, but encourage me, even when I’d rather cry for a looooooooong while instead. And don’t get me wrong, there are proper times for the cleansing cry. But to take a seat and just stay stuck? I do not have that luxury nor time.

What I always must go to is the word of God. One of his wonderful attributes is that in Malachi 3:6 it says, “I am the Lord, I change not. He remains the same. In fact it is us who must change to be more like him. The scripture means I can trust him. It brings great comfort to know this. Listen, I love that this also means that he cannot fail to keep his promises. Change occurs always in many ways in our lives but to know that with all the changes in this life, those that I have experienced and those that will still happen, I can rely on him who remains unchangeable in a world of uninvited change and that I think is pretty awesome.

Words from another..

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It is 11 years today, that Eliyah left the earthly world.. The pain does not end, you, (I) learn to live/maneuver/deal/ignore sometimes/move through it. Grief is still and I suppose will always be a very unwelcomed visitor. So today, I will share instead of some profound words that I just don’t have in me today a letter from one of his teachers. My prayer is that you can be inspired, and know that you just never know who’s life you may impact.

Dear Linell Family:

I did not speak with you last year when we lost Eliyah. I wanted to call your family personally that terrible week, but knew that while my words would be appreciated, they would perhaps be diluted by the myriad of condolences that surely were heaped upon your family by the endless stream of those that loved that remarkable kid. That wasn’t good enough, because Eliyah had made such a profound impression on me and my class. I also feared that I would not be able to keep my composure. So I held off.

When I arrived back to my classroom on Monday, I looked up on the board at the front of my classroom at Eliyah’s picture and thought of the devastating loss to your family, Golden Valley, and the community that his passing brought. I wondered how your family has carried on under such duress and pain. I am quite certain that memories of your son are still your first and last thought of the day–particularly last fourth of July. I realized that while the whole country celebrated, your family would be overcome by his absence once again.

From the first day Eliyah arrived in my classroom, I knew that this big, outgoing, lovable young man would bring even more fun and joy to my classroom than I could possibly produce alone. I knew this because his attitude and demeanor was–from day one–nothing but kindness and smiles and laughter. I don’t believe that he had a cruel bone in his body. Eliyah was an expert at making people feel comfortable. I always got a kick from the way that he would use his charm and good humor to sidetrack my inquiry about his work when I occasionally would catch him off-task. Of course, if he was off task, it meant that he was joking around with one of his fellow chem students, making them smile, too. You MUST be fantastic parents, because in a world where so many kids have lost an understanding of the importance of personal values, thoughtfulness and empathy for others, Eliyah was a gentle, kind-hearted soul that took personal responsibility for his actions, and did so unhesitatingly. That kind of life view only comes from being raised in a close and caring family.

If I could speak to that wonderful kid one more time, I’d tell him how he made an indelible mark in my life. I’d tell him how profoundly sad the end of his life would make us all. I’d tell him that I would miss him and that the world desperately needed more people like him. I’d tell him to finish his homework.

Eliyah’s influence will stay with me, because I cannot help but incorporate his memory into the collection of nearly 20 years worth of my most beloved students, against which I compare all others. I hope that your family remains strong and steadfast, and I hope that with time, the pain dulls and only the joy remains.

With profound appreciation,

Gary S. Rubens

Gary S. Rubens, M.Ed.

Chemistry, Biology &

Earth Science Instructor

Golden Valley High School

July 4th and 10 years Later…..

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January 19, 2013 will always be a date in my mind forever embedded in sadness, anxiety, and hate. I hate that date. I absolutely hate that date. Saying it out-loud gives me peace. That’s all it does. Waking up the morning of and stepping into Eliyah’s room and seeing his lifeless body in the bed can still be a lingering nightmare in my thoughts. Every year it rolls around and every year it still sucks….

The state issues certificates. Both birth certificates and for death. When Eliyah was born, I remember so fondly the birth, the nurses etc. There was an Administrator who came in to give me the paperwork for his birth certificate. You want to make sure you spell the name correctly. It’s such a surreal moment. You have brought a new person into this world. You almost can’t wait until you get the embossed certification that will be used for a lifetime. That day for me was July 4th, 1996. A nationwide holiday. I had an incredibly short labor and I absolutely could not have asked for a better experience.

When I finally received the birth certificate. I was elated. It took a few weeks, but I was over the moon, like this is really here!! He’s official. I mean his presence made him official but now he was officially official. Ha!! I took it and placed it in a safe place until I needed it down the years for school enrollment or something like that.

Now it is 10 years since Eliyah’s passing and what would be his 27th birthday is here. When Eliyah died and all the paperwork needed to be filled out then, I was in a fog. I know that I was asked questions, but who knows what was said? I knew that a death certificate would be issued but I didn’t care. Who wants to see that? What’s special in that? It makes your worst realities come true. That’s it. Sure I needed it to close things out etc. But so??? It’s a very anxious producing piece of paper. It also is now filed in the same place I keep all of my other important documents.

So here we are. 10 years after the passing of Eliyah and 27 years since the amazing day of his birth. It still remains a very difficult day for me. I celebrate and reminisce of the joy of his birth, but it is shadowed by his presence not being physically here. It remains a mental battle. It’s a Holiday, and therefore people are out and about celebrating. I feel as though I too should be celebrating. Having fun, going somewhere fun, going out to dinner, eating cupcakes, you know celebrating. Now of course I still could do all of those things and I have before to celebrate. But I always, always, always feel the missing piece. It brings me back to focus on those that remain here that I love and appreciate. But I would be lying if i said it was comfortable around this time of the year, and especially on the date.

So here it is again. July 4th. I’ve shared previously that I choose to focus on the positive. And nothing about that has changed. It’s what keeps me sane. It’s what keeps my relationship with God alive and real. It fuels my hope. I know that there are some who still watch me.. you know the ” OMG there’s the woman who lost child is she still ok? Is she thriving? Is she a depressive mess of a woman who couldn’t move through life anymore?” I pray that my life inspires someone. That they know God can keep you through the death of a child. I pray that people see him through me. I’m not able to keep it together. It is not me. I would have not made it realistically past the first year of his death.

I carried a heartbeat in me that no longer beats but his spirit is alive and well. I will keep my tissues on standby. I celebrate that God chose me to be his mother. I’m grateful that Eliyah graced this earth with his presence for 16 years. I miss him beyond what man can comprehend. God blessed me beyond measure and as this 4th of July comes and goes.. His love for me remains.

Spring Grief

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My favorite time of the year is Autumn/Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, I love the feel of the air. I enjoy the weather, cool but not cold. Wearing a light jacket, hat, scarf. I love the colors, brown, yellow, orange, It makes me happy somehow. It just feels good. Fall indicates the change.. You literally see the changes. When I was a kid we would rake the leaves, and then fall into the pile. Of course we would then have to re-rake them up. Haha. But that simple time and space brought so much joy. Perhaps that’s when Fall began to resonate with me as my favorite.

For many others I know Spring is their favorite time of the year. It signifies rebirth. winter has ended and the flowers begin to bloom. People begin the act of “Spring cleaning”. Getting rid of the old. The bees are buzzing once again, and the school kids are looking forward to the end of another year. Spring indicates to the bears that have been hibernating to wake up.

I do not care for Spring as many others do. It brings out so many things I do not like. spiders, snakes, flies, etc. Pollen is everywhere you turn. It’s not my cup of tea. I suppose that’s why I can relate this particular season to grief. Many would say winter because of the barrenness. But the sadness and dislike for me is wrapped up in spring.

When Eliyah died it was Winter. My father.. Winter. But the beginning of my true grief began in the spring. The shock, and quiet time began in the Spring. It was challenging and uncertain. My feelings were all over the place internally. I suppose you would have to ask those I was around what I looked like externally.

To have grief in the season in which most of the world deems as a time of renewal is also hard. While the sun is shining and flowers are blooming, the hopelessness and despair can be so overwhelming. Guilt can overwhelm, and turn what looks to be beautiful on the outside into misery.

So where is the hope? Where is the beauty for your ashes? Keeping the gratitude in the forefront and remembering that the pain we carry is not the connection . God allows us to embrace joy in the midst of sorrow. We are never as alone as we may feel, and trust me that feeling can be excruciating. I understood that loneliness wasn’t always about being alone, but I missed Eliyah. I had to create space for my grief. I could be surrounded by people at times and internally, it was just me.

So as Spring has arrived, and Summer to follow. I give myself permission to find enjoyment in it. My father loved gardening. Ever since I was a child he had a garden. This was a nurturing activity which provided food. Again, not my thing but the flowers sure are pretty. Taking pictures of them, or taking a walk to enjoy God’s creation and marvel at what he has made does make me smile. Grief in the Spring can be hard because people are involved in more outdoor activities, whereas in the winter it may be easier to hide. So the pressure to be “present” can be there. Grief does not have an order has the seasons do, and can strike at any time. It’s not predictable.

I am grateful for each season. I have my favorite of course, but still find gratitude in each one. The seed that rises in the spring, is how God shows me he cares. The birds that sing in the Spring, is how God shows me he cares. The trees that stand tall and show off their leaves that made it through maybe a harsh winter is how God shows me he cares. I have a heightened awareness of how god reveals himself. I hold on to the hope. I do my best to lean into it for it’s my chance to survive. Yes it’s bittersweet for me because Mother’s Day is in the spring too. That alone can feel like a personal winter. I choose to see the joy in what I may not like or feel comfortable in. God is greater than anything I may face. And so I stare in his heart, so that I may get strength, comfort, and find that hiding place within him.

Unknown

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The death of a loved one is so abrasively shocking to your system. The loss of my son Eliyah has been a journey that even when I close my eyes, if I choose and sometimes when I don’t I am catapulted immediately to the day he died.

Death brings unknowns. You ask the why’s… they seem to go on and on. Even if you had an answer, The question of why would still rear itself to your mind in some fashion. What if it’s unknown? What if there is no tangible reason? What if you had to just accept what has happened and begin the brutal task of healing. Yes healing is brutal. It takes time, it’s painful, it leaves scars to remind you of what happened. Sometimes healing is not what we think it should look like. Sometimes how you picture it, the exact opposite is what you are faced with, and now you must adapt accordingly.

Eliyah’s cause of death was SUDEP. Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy. I will focus on the second word. Unexplained. It means it is not accounted for, there is no identifiable cause. It is Unknown. How unnerving right? If you are someone who needs answers it is a mental drive to the crazy house because there is not an answer. I like satisfaction. I want to know reasons, and sometimes my overthinking mind needs a reason for the reason. And yet here I was dealing with a death that had no reason behind it. And furthermore why my child?

Sometimes it’s fear of the unknown that makes our minds scream. What if? What about? etc. This year specifically has challenged many of us to the core for several different reasons. A world pandemic. So many unknowns involved about how we should move forward to stay healthy. Many of you lost a loved one this year, or a job, I have a friend who lost her beautiful home in a fire. Where do you start? Where do you go from here? So many unknowns.

When my mother was sick, my dad used to tell her take one thing at a time. Slow down, don’t try to do it all at once. Sometimes we must acknowledge that steps must be taken. For example if you want to bake a cake, You follow certain steps first. You don’t just throw all in the oven. Certain ingredients must be mixed. Gotta follow the steps 1 thing at a time. Healing of a loved one especially is a process. You don’t heal all at once. I wish it was that easy. A simple process.

Grief is an unknown. It carries with it many, many facets. It carries with it no timeline, no proper way of “grieving right” no such thing, it scares people away, yet can also make people want to draw closer to you to help you through. It affects one person in one way, and to another a different way. No rhyme or reason. It’s complicated. It has stages. the stages are not in any specific order and can last a lifetime of not. Unknown.

So how do we handle the unknown? Do we know? Is there a playbook out there with the plays? An answer key in the back of a book? Is there a guru high upon a mountain who has all the answers? I chose, yes chose to rely on faith. The bible says in Hebrews 11:1 That faith is the hope or the confidence in what we hope for and assurance/evidence about what we do not see. It means to believe completely even when there is no evidence to support. It is my foundation for my relationship with God. The very start of what matters on a spiritual side. It is my confidence that later becomes fully operational to believe his promises. It’s unseen but exists beneath what is visible.

This is what carries me. It fuels me, Drives my reasoning for how I move in life. Utilizing faith while in the unknown has allowed me to put one foot forward at a time. It is the constant abiding trust in what I can’t see. It’s like the unseen foundation of a building. You can’t see it but you know if it’s not there the building would collapse. It’s knowing it will work when it’s not apparent to my senses. It must be applied to all of life challenges. I encourage you to face the unknown head on with faith in front of you. It will make a difference in your life.

Encouragement through grief…

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I only want to see Gods glory because my heart knows that that is the necessary key to my survival. The difficulty in special or non-special days will not outweigh my joy in the celebration of those that I love still here.. I celebrate through tears. This faith of mine says to count it all joy.  God never stops working on your behalf…not even in his silence.  .When I have an ongoing emotional circumstance that brings pain/anguish, I know that God’s word “pokes” peace back into my heart. It takes your mind off of the issue. The situation may not change…it may even get worse, but God is in control. He is just, & he is right. He is sovereign. I rejoice in who God is. Throughout this journey, there have been some pretty dark days. Endurance is key. Life is not fair & may not even be pleasant. Our perspectives are limited. We don’t always see the big picture of the plan. As I have experienced a deep loss, & as I continue to walk this journey of life, I must remember…to hold everything loosely, and never ever forget God’s presence through these times…..Grateful for grace, mercy, love, and faith

You don’t plan God’s plan.

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July 4, 1996. Eliyah J. Linell was born. January 19, 2013 Eliyah passed away. 16 years on this earth he lived a wonderful life. I am blessed, and honored that God chose me to be his mother. Yes, God chose me. Through the easy pregnancy and even easier birth Eliyah was peace. God’s plan was that he would be born on this particular holiday although his “due” date was July 7th. I never thought that in God’s plan that would include him leaving this earth before me at such an early age.

Have you ever heard the phrase “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?” I started hearing people say that from an early age. I don’t think it has anything to do with God actually laughing at you, rather God thinking ok, you can plan that if you want but my plan for your life will go as follows:  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. Although this scripture is used often to comfort, it is not a security blanket like Linus carries around with him.  If it’s looked at in that way one is led to believe that sufferings are not meant for them and prosperity will rule forever.  No, it is to know that we have a confidence and hope that God will be there to help in the midst of our suffering.

I think about those in the Bible who had plans. I’m sure many did not grow up thinking they would be great men and women of God. Look at the life of Job and what he and his wife endured. I don’t think he knew what was to happen in his life. That God would use him in that way.  I also did not know that God would use me in this way too. I did not know on Jan. 19th Eliyah would take his last breath here on earth. Our plans were to go to Disneyland that day.

What I can be confident in is that God knows what he is doing. He knows how to plan my life better than I ever could. No, Eliyah’s death wasn’t even a thought in my plan for my life nor his. I saw him growing up, graduating form high school, going to college getting his dream job and starting a family. I struggled to know that he would never get to do any of it. I prayed and asked God was this part of your plan? Is this your will for our lives? Is there any way to reverse or change what has happened? Do you love me?

It is difficult to imagine anyone loving Eliyah more than I do, but God does. He understands the depth of my love for him. He still watches over every single detail of my life. What is important to me, is important to him. All of this is true, yet I still grieve, I still mourn. I ignore those that say move on because it’s been X amount of time. I use the date of Eliyah’s passing as a grid to pass everything across.

I don’t have the luxury of planning out God’s plans. Some would get into the debate of was it his plan for him to die so soon? What is God’s role in suffering? Why did he allow this to happen? All questions of deep and painful complexity.  I know that I must engage in the realities of human life. In all its grace, and grief. The love of God still shines in my life. No matter what, God does have a plan, and it is always good. Faith in his plan isn’t believing that what I want goes. Knowing that he is Sovereign and loves me and draws us to fulfill his plan for our lives no matter what.

So, no I nor you get to plan God’s plan. We are not in charge.  Do you find yourself asking God why? when things are good, and you just sit back and enjoy, and then only ask him why when bad things happen? This is what I will end with. God’s plan for your life will never ever outstrip the grace he makes available to help us and enable us to live well. There is no promises of escape of struggles, sorrow, or pain. Jesus himself said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ” (John 16:33)

 

Endings and New Beginnings

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2018 is ending and 2019 is beginning. A new year is upon us and for some around the world it has already entered. I’ve seen social media posts where many say, ” I’m stepping into the new year like, or I’m flying into the new year like, Or this is me in the new year” with pictures an memes to match. What are people thinking when they do this? Is a new year really a new slate wiped clean, or is it just another day after another day with a different date? Well, it means different things to different people. For many the end of the year is reflection to what was accomplished, what resolutions were completed, and perhaps what goals were made. For others it’s a reflection to what maybe was lost, a recap on failures and what goals you did not meet.  Growing up I know people who fast for a new and better self in January. Nothing wrong with that. If it will make you better and bring you closer to God then so be it. But I encourage you to do what God leads you to do.

I don’t make Resolutions. Rather I pray and write down my goals that I’d like to accomplish. I’ve had people say to me ” This will be the best year yet!” I ask how do you know? It could be my worst year yet. I sound like a Debbie Downer right? well, it’s really according to your faith. What I hope is that every year will be better than the year before. but sometimes very painful things happen to us. My faith still says it is well. It may not look like this is the best year, and may definitely not feel like it but it is well. Since Eliyah’s passing I value words more with intent. So what do I say for 2019? It will be whatever God’s will is for me. I know that I have many prayers, plans, goals, desires, will they all be fulfilled in this upcoming year? Well, I dont know. My faith says blessing will continue. I hold on to what is true. God is not absent in my sorrow. God loves me, and his word is true.

 Next year, and every year to come tell yourself that you will apply an antidote to what ever you face. Have a hope. Stretch your faith. This year 2018 is ending ready or not. Be inspired, look for nuggets of joy, gather up and be motivated. A small step is still a step. Tell me what you think? What do you say or do in the New year?

Onward!!!!! Happy New Year to you!

Boundaries in Grief

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The thing about grief is that what is true always changes.  My life since Eliyah’s passing hasn’t become easier, it’s become more complex.  I set on a search for balance, which included setting some much needed boundaries.  Friends, family have this idea of how you should be. It’s their perception of how you should grieve. For example, ” You’re too happy today, shouldn’t you be more sad? ” Or “you sure are sad don’t forget to smile it’s been almost ( insert time here).”  People unintentionally will fault you or bring guilt because they perceive it should look a certain way. I was and am determined to not fall into that trap.  Grief looks different for me than it does for anyone else. Grief is unique. I had to talk to the Lord about this often.  Smiling…. I felt how can I do this when he is not here to enjoy? I felt I was betraying Eliyah who was not here.  Sadness… does Eliyah really want me to be so sad? I searched for moments yes moments of enjoyment.  I wasn’t going crazy, I was grieving.  There are so many layers to grief. I experienced people saying extremely insensitive things to me.  It’s like did that really come out of your mouth??? You can’t wrap your mind around it. But what matters the most is not what is said to me or about me but my response. What is my reaction? What are my thoughts towards this person? They don’t understand my pain, or maybe they are trying to avoid their own pain, They speak without thinking etc.  Whatever the reason may be has nothing to do with me.  What was helpful to me was not to respond. Yep, keep my mouth shut and when necessary remove and isolate myself from the source.  You think, am I not going through enough without the extra nonsense of people?? yet God was reminding me that even in grief he will get the glory.  I had to forgive…Cry out to God to help me because this is hard.. Job said ” I have heard many things  like these; miserable comforters are you all.  (Job 16:1-2). Can you even imagine??  How frustrating it was to listen sometimes.   I had to in my anger and sometimes confusion forgive.  I could not allow bitterness to take root in my heart towards these individuals. Did I get mad? Yep…. I sure did.  I could not believe that people I knew would behave in that manner or from a different perspective those that vanished, disappeared, went ghost, that simply could not handle or face our loss did that…. I though they would be near to my family and instead they were not.  Again dealing with the many layers of grief.  Recently, I sat with a young woman who recently lost her teenage son. Part of our conversation, she told me she visits the cemetery every day. I said to her you must do what gives you peace. She said her sister asks her “Why do you go there, he’s not there!” She said she knows but it’s something she has to do for now for herself..  I told her if going to the cemetery for the last month since his passing brings you healing, then that’s what you do. You can not be pressured into grieving how your sister feels or wants you to, or anyone else for that matter. I said people mean well for the most part, but going to his gravesite helps you and that is all that matters.  Well meaning, well-intentioned people, has caused me to pray more. They do not understand my pain, and nor should I expect them too. My expectations have to stay in check and I have to focus on what is crucial and beneficial to my healing. Having and keeping my boundaries. It always points back to the Lord.  I was reminded a couple of days ago that God’s Sovereignty is over my situation. He is in absolute total control which means I can trust and lean on him through my pain. I hope and pray that you can do this as well.