The Fixer

Good morning.  Have you ever called someone to come and fix something in your home? Or maybe took your car to the mechanic to have something fixed? Maybe your like so many I know including myself that can fix stuff around the house, and with channels on you tube you can just do it yourself.  There is a cartoon called Bob the builder.  His motto is “Can we fix it? Yes we can!”  I work in television and film and on a sitcom all the problems are solved in 30 minutes right? It’s quick.  As a mother I have fixed many of things. I’ve hemmed pants, sewn buttons on, solved problems around the house, super glue at times has been my best friend. I have fixed “boo-boo’s” with band aids, I’ve even as some say fixed dinner.(laugh)  Yet, on Jan. 19, 2013 as my son laid lifeless his bed,  I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t change what had already happened. I couldn’t reverse this.  I wasn’t able to sit him on my lap and tell him everything will be ok.  I couldn’t fix this tragic, terrible, thing. I was no longer the fixer….. I could not wipe the tears away with a tissue and make this ok. No amount of super glue, crazy glue, gorilla glue, tape, band-aids, nails, putty, or any other adhesive was going to hold my heart from the billions of pieces it had broken into.  Honestly, I’ve never felt such pain in my life. Several times after his funeral I found myself at the Dr.’s  office and the emergency room once because of the physical chest pain I had. I thought I was having a heart attack or something. The tests results came back each time as negative, EKG was nice and normal. The doctors could not fix my broken heart. There was a pain there that could not be detected with machines. It could not be detected or helped with medication to make it feel better or go away.  As a child, I used to hear the term “Jesus will fix it” someone even made it into a song. When you are facing a monumental challenge what does that mean? What does Jesus will fix it really mean? I needed real answers. I could not focus on my hurt or my problem in order to get these answers. I had to rely on my faith.  I could not leave my faith behind. I had to trust that God would show up.  I was suffering, in pain, and needed help.  What I had to understand was that even the most damaged, broken, unimaginable situation that I or anyone else could go through including the death of a child was not to hard for Jesus to heal.  Who is God in character? He is for me and this is the truth. So it means that with my sorrow and pain I can’t be the center, he must be. Eliyah’s death had to be looked at from a different set of eyes. Yes my heart was bleeding out, but I know that God is persistently consistent and apart from him I could fix nothing!!!  This is how my healing would be. This wasn’t going to be a neat little pretty package that all works out just fine and dandy, and end in a fairytale happily ever-after.  In this “fixing” of it all would require me to know that my faith must continue to render that God is always Good. Always.  This wasn’t going to be a sitcom fix as mentioned above. It was going to be a lifelong journey.  A journey of remembering who God is through my faith, knowing that he cares for me. I didn’t have to be a fixer any more. I can quiet the sound of the hurt and let hope and faith resonate the loudest.  His power alone can handle and manage it all.. What a healing to my hurt to know this.    Love Always Wins!!

3 thoughts on “The Fixer”

  1. I had to wait a day to comment on this post because the memories were too close and to real to say anything right away. You grow more and more with each entry and I know that those that are reading it are being inspired, or touched or helped in the best way possible. Thank you for allowing God to stay in your mind, in your heart and working on your fingers!!

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