July 4, 1996. Eliyah J. Linell was born. January 19, 2013 Eliyah passed away. 16 years on this earth he lived a wonderful life. I am blessed, and honored that God chose me to be his mother. Yes, God chose me. Through the easy pregnancy and even easier birth Eliyah was peace. God’s plan was that he would be born on this particular holiday although his “due” date was July 7th. I never thought that in God’s plan that would include him leaving this earth before me at such an early age.
Have you ever heard the phrase “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?” I started hearing people say that from an early age. I don’t think it has anything to do with God actually laughing at you, rather God thinking ok, you can plan that if you want but my plan for your life will go as follows: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. Although this scripture is used often to comfort, it is not a security blanket like Linus carries around with him. If it’s looked at in that way one is led to believe that sufferings are not meant for them and prosperity will rule forever. No, it is to know that we have a confidence and hope that God will be there to help in the midst of our suffering.
I think about those in the Bible who had plans. I’m sure many did not grow up thinking they would be great men and women of God. Look at the life of Job and what he and his wife endured. I don’t think he knew what was to happen in his life. That God would use him in that way. I also did not know that God would use me in this way too. I did not know on Jan. 19th Eliyah would take his last breath here on earth. Our plans were to go to Disneyland that day.
What I can be confident in is that God knows what he is doing. He knows how to plan my life better than I ever could. No, Eliyah’s death wasn’t even a thought in my plan for my life nor his. I saw him growing up, graduating form high school, going to college getting his dream job and starting a family. I struggled to know that he would never get to do any of it. I prayed and asked God was this part of your plan? Is this your will for our lives? Is there any way to reverse or change what has happened? Do you love me?
It is difficult to imagine anyone loving Eliyah more than I do, but God does. He understands the depth of my love for him. He still watches over every single detail of my life. What is important to me, is important to him. All of this is true, yet I still grieve, I still mourn. I ignore those that say move on because it’s been X amount of time. I use the date of Eliyah’s passing as a grid to pass everything across.
I don’t have the luxury of planning out God’s plans. Some would get into the debate of was it his plan for him to die so soon? What is God’s role in suffering? Why did he allow this to happen? All questions of deep and painful complexity. I know that I must engage in the realities of human life. In all its grace, and grief. The love of God still shines in my life. No matter what, God does have a plan, and it is always good. Faith in his plan isn’t believing that what I want goes. Knowing that he is Sovereign and loves me and draws us to fulfill his plan for our lives no matter what.
So, no I nor you get to plan God’s plan. We are not in charge. Do you find yourself asking God why? when things are good, and you just sit back and enjoy, and then only ask him why when bad things happen? This is what I will end with. God’s plan for your life will never ever outstrip the grace he makes available to help us and enable us to live well. There is no promises of escape of struggles, sorrow, or pain. Jesus himself said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ” (John 16:33)
The medical definition for pain is the physical feeling caused by disease, injury, or something that hurts the body. Mental or emotional suffering. Brokenness is defined as forcibly separated into two or more pieces. When I think of my grief and my heartbreak, I can become so overwhelmed that it is challenging to get out of bed. I have to focus on the work it takes to grieve purposely. I have to intently focus on the fragments. There is sadness, grief, anger, and this luring traumatic imprint that shows itself. I’m left to gather up these pieces. Most days I’m successful in the maneuvering around the triggers, and many days where I fall to my knees asking God for help….The memories for the most part of wonderful, but there are also memories that leave me immobile. I remember finding Eliyah in his bed early that morning unresponsive. I remember the 911 call, I still see the horror on my daughters face as she entered his room, I have the memory of seeing my dad hold onto my fireplace mantle for support and shed tears ( at that time I’d only seen my dad cry three times in my life). It’s been six years and these memories are still here. I’m unable to forget. I still see his face three hours before leaving my room saying I love you with that big smile. I’m happy that I still have that memory, and many others that make me smile.
I read somewhere recently that the wound is the place where the light enters you. My life was severly interrupted. My daily life patterns were shattered. Profound changes were inevitable. Death interrupts, it causes pain, it brings brokenness to the forefront. It delivers wounds so deep that most won’t even talk about it. But as much as we hate it, we will all experience it. It’s unavoidable. Grief is pain. Grief expresses our connection with our loved one that’s gone and in and of itself it is an expression of love. Bottom line is once you have experienced the darkness, you appreciate the things that shine.
The passing of Eliyah has changed me forever. In two days it will mark him leaving this earth six years ago. I feel it just as much today as I did the moment the paramedics pronounced him gone. My heart was shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. However, it has made me stronger. More resilient. I have courage that I didn’t possess before. I love differently, I share differently. I give more than I did before. It pushed me to set realistic goals, changed how I communicate with others. I am more transparent, I have developed better coping skills through hardships. Yes, grief has changed me.
In my being broken, I drew closer to God. I had to go on. Trusting in his grace. Holding on to his faithfulness. He told me in Psalm 139 that I could trust him even in times of grief. This was going to require a spiritual healing.
When I think of a broken bone I know that it takes time to heal. It is also a process that involves much. Its usual cause is that there’s has been some excessive force applied and the break or shatter occurs. It causes much pain. It also varies at the duration of the healing. This all correlates to grief. It can’t be rushed. It can also be gruesome, and ugly. It is a process that like the healing of bones will vary in time from person to person. Grief has challenged me to invest differently with my time, and gave me light as to what really matters and what doesn’t.
I’m grateful that pain, being broken, and grief has an end. Just like our bodies, it is temporary. Have you heard the saying ” This too shall pass”? It’s true. There is peace on the other side of pain. We can rest in Jesus, and disengage from the busyness of the world. Healing takes patience and time. There is joy in the mourning. God will give you peace for your pieces.
Think about what areas in your life that has forever changed you. Has God reminded you that there can be peace in the midst?
2018 is ending and 2019 is beginning. A new year is upon us and for some around the world it has already entered. I’ve seen social media posts where many say, ” I’m stepping into the new year like, or I’m flying into the new year like, Or this is me in the new year” with pictures an memes to match. What are people thinking when they do this? Is a new year really a new slate wiped clean, or is it just another day after another day with a different date? Well, it means different things to different people. For many the end of the year is reflection to what was accomplished, what resolutions were completed, and perhaps what goals were made. For others it’s a reflection to what maybe was lost, a recap on failures and what goals you did not meet. Growing up I know people who fast for a new and better self in January. Nothing wrong with that. If it will make you better and bring you closer to God then so be it. But I encourage you to do what God leads you to do.
I don’t make Resolutions. Rather I pray and write down my goals that I’d like to accomplish. I’ve had people say to me ” This will be the best year yet!” I ask how do you know? It could be my worst year yet. I sound like a Debbie Downer right? well, it’s really according to your faith. What I hope is that every year will be better than the year before. but sometimes very painful things happen to us. My faith still says it is well. It may not look like this is the best year, and may definitely not feel like it but it is well. Since Eliyah’s passing I value words more with intent. So what do I say for 2019? It will be whatever God’s will is for me. I know that I have many prayers, plans, goals, desires, will they all be fulfilled in this upcoming year? Well, I dont know. My faith says blessing will continue. I hold on to what is true. God is not absent in my sorrow. God loves me, and his word is true.
Next year, and every year to come tell yourself that you will apply an antidote to what ever you face. Have a hope. Stretch your faith. This year 2018 is ending ready or not. Be inspired, look for nuggets of joy, gather up and be motivated. A small step is still a step. Tell me what you think? What do you say or do in the New year?
Onward!!!!! Happy New Year to you!
Everyday is a day of gratitude. In times of grief I ask what are you thankful for? What do you think about and say “although my heart is shattered, I’m thankful for…….? When Eliyah passed I heard many people say well at least you have.. at least it’s not.. at least..blah, blah, blah. I hate that phrase at least. It gives such a meaning of grrrrr. Grief means feel what you feel and don’t let anyone tell you “at least” he’s with Jesus “at least” you have other kids ” at least”you had such and such years — you have the right to grieve to the most even though the culture says at least –
Healing is a life long journey. The main thing I learned in holidays is listen to your self. If you don’t want to be around a lot of people don’t, if you don’t want to shop don’t, if you don’t want to cook don’t . If you have others who are depending on you ask someone to help carry that load this year cause emotionally and physically you are just not up to it.
I am thankful for Eliyah. He was such a joy here on earth. He was my first-born and only son. I’m grateful that he was loved and loved in return. I’m thankful that he lived his life with very few if any real complaints if any (I really can’t remember a time he complained) I have been blessed. I’m grateful for the friends that checked on my daily, weekly. those that called me, or came over to just sit with me. Those that cried with me and let me share my thoughts. I’m grateful for the family that checked on me, and listened. I’m thankful for Grief share. Grief share helped me tremendously to heal. I’m thankful for various books that encouraged me. I’m thankful for prayers for me, thankful for work that allowed me to escape sometimes when I didn’t want to just sit at home. I’m thankful for my kind neighbors. I’m thankful for my bible study group. I’m thankful for Disneyland. Disneyland has been my families second home and so many magical memories were created there amongst other blessings that occurred there. I’m thankful for other moms sharing their stories of grief with me. I’m thankful for those that spoke truth in love, those that didn’t let me wallow for to long. Those that allowed me to cry unapologetically. I’m thankful for my relationship with Christ. For he is the reason that I can rise out of bed, breathe, walk, live, share my story, he is my reason for it all!! The grief, the pain, life it will all get better, but better will never look like it use to and things will never be how they were . There is no easy way around it no sermon to make it better nothing . Just one step of faith at a time of wrestling and hurting and “sorrow upon sorrow”. Though there is a place in my heart that longs to see Eliyah, I have family and friends here that I love and cherish. Remembering those that have pain during this time. Tears are cleansing, you are loved, joy will come, and pain doesn’t always remain. Life is precious and so is time. There is hope, healing, and beautiful new memories that will be created. Stay in a place of Thankfulness. I’m a witness that it’s possible. If you can please tell me what you are thankful for, I’d love to know 🙂
The thing about grief is that what is true always changes. My life since Eliyah’s passing hasn’t become easier, it’s become more complex. I set on a search for balance, which included setting some much needed boundaries. Friends, family have this idea of how you should be. It’s their perception of how you should grieve. For example, ” You’re too happy today, shouldn’t you be more sad? ” Or “you sure are sad don’t forget to smile it’s been almost ( insert time here).” People unintentionally will fault you or bring guilt because they perceive it should look a certain way. I was and am determined to not fall into that trap. Grief looks different for me than it does for anyone else. Grief is unique. I had to talk to the Lord about this often. Smiling…. I felt how can I do this when he is not here to enjoy? I felt I was betraying Eliyah who was not here. Sadness… does Eliyah really want me to be so sad? I searched for moments yes moments of enjoyment. I wasn’t going crazy, I was grieving. There are so many layers to grief. I experienced people saying extremely insensitive things to me. It’s like did that really come out of your mouth??? You can’t wrap your mind around it. But what matters the most is not what is said to me or about me but my response. What is my reaction? What are my thoughts towards this person? They don’t understand my pain, or maybe they are trying to avoid their own pain, They speak without thinking etc. Whatever the reason may be has nothing to do with me. What was helpful to me was not to respond. Yep, keep my mouth shut and when necessary remove and isolate myself from the source. You think, am I not going through enough without the extra nonsense of people?? yet God was reminding me that even in grief he will get the glory. I had to forgive…Cry out to God to help me because this is hard.. Job said ” I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all. (Job 16:1-2). Can you even imagine?? How frustrating it was to listen sometimes. I had to in my anger and sometimes confusion forgive. I could not allow bitterness to take root in my heart towards these individuals. Did I get mad? Yep…. I sure did. I could not believe that people I knew would behave in that manner or from a different perspective those that vanished, disappeared, went ghost, that simply could not handle or face our loss did that…. I though they would be near to my family and instead they were not. Again dealing with the many layers of grief. Recently, I sat with a young woman who recently lost her teenage son. Part of our conversation, she told me she visits the cemetery every day. I said to her you must do what gives you peace. She said her sister asks her “Why do you go there, he’s not there!” She said she knows but it’s something she has to do for now for herself.. I told her if going to the cemetery for the last month since his passing brings you healing, then that’s what you do. You can not be pressured into grieving how your sister feels or wants you to, or anyone else for that matter. I said people mean well for the most part, but going to his gravesite helps you and that is all that matters. Well meaning, well-intentioned people, has caused me to pray more. They do not understand my pain, and nor should I expect them too. My expectations have to stay in check and I have to focus on what is crucial and beneficial to my healing. Having and keeping my boundaries. It always points back to the Lord. I was reminded a couple of days ago that God’s Sovereignty is over my situation. He is in absolute total control which means I can trust and lean on him through my pain. I hope and pray that you can do this as well.
Good morning. Have you ever called someone to come and fix something in your home? Or maybe took your car to the mechanic to have something fixed? Maybe your like so many I know including myself that can fix stuff around the house, and with channels on you tube you can just do it yourself. There is a cartoon called Bob the builder. His motto is “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” I work in television and film and on a sitcom all the problems are solved in 30 minutes right? It’s quick. As a mother I have fixed many of things. I’ve hemmed pants, sewn buttons on, solved problems around the house, super glue at times has been my best friend. I have fixed “boo-boo’s” with band aids, I’ve even as some say fixed dinner.(laugh) Yet, on Jan. 19, 2013 as my son laid lifeless his bed, I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t change what had already happened. I couldn’t reverse this. I wasn’t able to sit him on my lap and tell him everything will be ok. I couldn’t fix this tragic, terrible, thing. I was no longer the fixer….. I could not wipe the tears away with a tissue and make this ok. No amount of super glue, crazy glue, gorilla glue, tape, band-aids, nails, putty, or any other adhesive was going to hold my heart from the billions of pieces it had broken into. Honestly, I’ve never felt such pain in my life. Several times after his funeral I found myself at the Dr.’s office and the emergency room once because of the physical chest pain I had. I thought I was having a heart attack or something. The tests results came back each time as negative, EKG was nice and normal. The doctors could not fix my broken heart. There was a pain there that could not be detected with machines. It could not be detected or helped with medication to make it feel better or go away. As a child, I used to hear the term “Jesus will fix it” someone even made it into a song. When you are facing a monumental challenge what does that mean? What does Jesus will fix it really mean? I needed real answers. I could not focus on my hurt or my problem in order to get these answers. I had to rely on my faith. I could not leave my faith behind. I had to trust that God would show up. I was suffering, in pain, and needed help. What I had to understand was that even the most damaged, broken, unimaginable situation that I or anyone else could go through including the death of a child was not to hard for Jesus to heal. Who is God in character? He is for me and this is the truth. So it means that with my sorrow and pain I can’t be the center, he must be. Eliyah’s death had to be looked at from a different set of eyes. Yes my heart was bleeding out, but I know that God is persistently consistent and apart from him I could fix nothing!!! This is how my healing would be. This wasn’t going to be a neat little pretty package that all works out just fine and dandy, and end in a fairytale happily ever-after. In this “fixing” of it all would require me to know that my faith must continue to render that God is always Good. Always. This wasn’t going to be a sitcom fix as mentioned above. It was going to be a lifelong journey. A journey of remembering who God is through my faith, knowing that he cares for me. I didn’t have to be a fixer any more. I can quiet the sound of the hurt and let hope and faith resonate the loudest. His power alone can handle and manage it all.. What a healing to my hurt to know this. Love Always Wins!!
I remember the first day of school for all my children. Since preschool I’ve taken that first day photo like many other parents. Now, over the years I’ve watched parents get elaborate thanks to fantastic websites like Pinterest. Eliyah passed on a Saturday morning just shortly after returning to school from a 3 week holiday for Christmas break. I know the first Monday after his passing, was extremely hard for his friends, peers, and teachers. The school did a very special memorial over the PA system. He was the anchor and the face in the morning for GVTV. They too did a special announcement for their fallen friend. That was the first day of his empty chair. Each class he was in had an empty chair and a very real realization that he was gone….. An empty chair in Band, English, Math, History, Lunch, etc.
I also had empty chairs. I remember looking back in my driver’s seat in my van and seeing where he sat most of the time. I had to walk by my dining room every day and see the dining room chair that he would no longer sit in. The couch, his bedroom on his bed, my room, everywhere that I ever saw him sit would now be empty……It took a while to not see his face looking back at me while I stood in the kitchen and watched him eat. I remember funny times where he would eat the biggest bowl of cereal and I’d ask did he save some for the rest of us and we’d just laugh!!!
Eliyah was a Junior in High School. The first day of what would have been his Senior year, I was a wreck. My daughter was going to be a Junior now and my other daughter Second Grade. Once again faced with the agony of sadness for one and joy for the 2 others. It’s the craziest feeling. Smiling while crying. That year was the hardest for me. The place where he would’ve taken his back to school photo was empty…. All of his friends/peers were participating in Senior activities. Homecoming, Prom, and all else that comes along with it. I dropped off my oldest daughter at school one day and saw the seniors in cap and gowns outside prepping to take their senior photo… I lost it. I don’t even know how I drove home. My heart felt that missing piece!!!! I did not attend what would’ve been his high school graduation but many told me they honored him and gave a moment of silence. It was so difficult and sometimes heart wrenching to see birthday announcements, and graduation announcements from others. I know they didn’t send to be vindictive towards me but dang, didn’t they know how much I was hurting? The truth is no. They were doing what most do, go on with their lives. I told people that he had already experienced the greatest graduation that one day all of us living for Christ will. He is in Heaven and nothing would ever top that. That’s what my Spirit celebrated. That’s what my faith shouted to me. But my human, motherly side said this sucks…..
Many parents that are grieving are seeing the empty chair for the very first time.. This is the time of the year which we call back to school and many kids didn’t make it over the summer to enter this school year. If you know someone who has or is experiencing the empty chair give grace. A listening ear is encouraged. No one is looking for you to be the hero, just be present. It’s a challenge to see other kids grow, change, have new experiences, develop, while you will forever miss those milestones. Be gentle, and show kindness. To my fellow members of the club no one wants to be in, continue to celebrate the memories. Honor your child the best way you can. Acknowledge all of the beautiful moments you shared. Healing is taking place. Be kind to yourself. There is no timeline, no manual. Say your child’s name and express the love within!!!!! Amen!!!!!!